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I appreciate all the comments. I have had much time or mental energy to reply. I do agree, my cousin is projecting. It's just hard for me to see someone in such a crazy situation prefer that over being out there dating and being single.
D13's bday weekend was very nice. We had lunch with my dad and his wife and her bestie, then we went to the homecoming/first game of the season. I saw pics of myself and cringed so badly. Aside from that, it went well. The next day D13, ex and I took D 13 horseback riding which was lots of fun. I hadn't been since ex and I were 21 and we had a romantic weekend away in the poconos. The horseback riding was in the town we had lived in and he said " it's our old stomping grounds" as we approached. We went to dinner after, and ex came back to our house, sat on my couch for an hour watching the football game and then we had some birthday dessert and he went home. FOr a second I hate to admit I said "so, this is what would it would be like if we all lived in the same home". We never did all 3 of us except when she was an infant. I hate myself for having that thought. It's not something i want, but yes, I always wondered what it might feel like.
Yesterday I decided to being exercising again. I went back to my orange theory classes, I have ot sub the bike for the treadmill because of my foot, but I did it. ANd we have to wear masks. Which is really hard when you are gasping for breath. Our gyms reopened to 25% capacity. I felt very safe. I plan on returning to my class 2x week. I need it for me. I am too heavy, I am out of shape, and I need ot just make some big adjustments in my life because i am generally not feeling like i used to,
Then today, I am really just so frustrated with a situation. I had mentioned how my dad said he wants to redo my kitchen. He told me to start finding contractors, etc. I HATE taking anything from my dad, and you will see why.
AT lunch on saturday my daughter mentions something about wanting to go back to disney and have them come this time. He starts planning it at the table. My daughter mentions something baout doing hershey park for christmas, he says he is going ot look into it. I brought something up about my kitchen the next day and he says " I can't afford that if we are going ot disney" I was like WTF?! I said to my dad, I would rather have my kitchen done than go to disney, you can't promise her that without discussing it with me first" he kind of blows that off.
Today he complains about expenses to me.... I text him " are we doing the kitchen still?" He says "well, I have to do catch up on my bills, get D13's bed (which he offered at the same time as the kitchen because he made money in the stock market) and do hershey park, so at a later time. I am not a bank"
What?!? He tells me he is doing my kitchen, he came into money, please accept this, we want ot do this so much for you, get prices and contractors" to "I am not a bank" comment. He totally gaslights me all the time. I would rather have zero offers than one that he always takes back, then makes me feel guilty about it by saying something like "I'm not a bank" He makes me feel like I am going nuts. This is why I accept nothing unless it is an emergency.
Honeslty, it has me really upset. ANd not because i am not getting my kitchen redone, even though I was excited about it and I have begun shopping around like he told me to, but because he always takes things back and makes me sound greedy. I told him I would rather he not pay for any of it. And he tells me " i';; help when I can" I don't want a dime. At least no one will take it away or make me feel guilty if I save up and pay.
I seriously can't wait to get out of here. I want to move to an affordable area, have my own townhome that requires no maintnance that i can afford with one job and need no one for anything. I want to go so far away form the BS. I want to start over. I really need a new beginning.