Ginger, I hear you. I will push back in a couple of places.
One, he has never, ever told me the words that he is saying now, that he wants this, he wants the M. You guys keep saying he is a man of all words and no actions. Actually, he has been a man of ambivalent words and no action. This is actually, honestly, different. He says it is because he went up to the very precipice of divorce, looked over the edge, and decided it was not what he wanted. He does not have the EQ to be the master level manipulator you guys all think he is. He is sad, weak, and confused. You can buy it or not.
Two, I'm not worried that he was rejected by OW. I don't think so. When he lies there are no details. I am pretty good at sniffing this out at this point. He is a great liar by omission. (Also, what happened to wanting what you can't have? Last time she told him she was moving on was when he lost his $hit and reignited the A.) No, she's not back to the "I'll wait for you as long as it takes" where she was in July. I'm sure it is more of an ultimatum like "I'm not waiting around for you to leave your W any more." But you can believe that or not believe that. I'm comfortable here.
Three, I don't want to keep him under this roof so he doesn't have the temptation to contact OW. That is a small side-piece of why I'm not particularly interested in a trial/therapeutic separation. It is not to try to prevent him from contacting her. It is because I have anxiety about it, not whether he does it or not. His behavior is not within my control. I will just have less anxiety about it if he's here, and IF we decide to work on the M, then I want to give it the best shot possible, not tank it with anxiety or any more trust issues than there need to be.
I was just thinking... you know how DB says to not put pressure on the WAWs because it makes them want to bolt in the other direction? I am thinking about this here. I feel like there is so much pressure to make him go from so many of you that I'm starting to feel the need to defend him. I've honestly been in a place where I was ready to say GO, please, just GO. And I'm feeling so much pressure here that it is making me pull into the opposite direction.
Maybe.. .can I ask everyone here a favor? Cool it on the advice for a minute? I am in no hurry to make this decision. I'm not doing a single thing until I get the post nup drafted and signed and I don't want to have him sign until he's done what he said he was going to do with the conversation with AP and formally turned down the apartment, neither of which, to my knowledge, have happened yet. I have not asked. He will do it and tell me about it or he won't. If we decide to S there will be another nice apartment, I'm not worried about missing that opportunity either.
Right now, what I WANT to do, is focus on what is best for me. I have an IC appointment tomorrow and will be talking about boundaries, whether or not I have confidence and self-worth issues, fears for me, fears for my kids, how to protect myself and support myself through all this no matter what choice I make.
I will not and cannot ask him to leave without being utterly confident it is the right decision. That is not a decision I can make today, and I have no plans to make it today. I don't want to take a break from this board because it has been an absolute lifeline for me for the past year. Because I feel like so many of you are friends even though we don't know each other. Because you push me in ways I know my own friends and family wouldn't be able to do. I welcome the diversity of opinion and I like being challenged. But right now I think it isn't in my best interest to have quite as much pressure here as I feel right now.
Thanks, guys. I appreciate you all, truly. I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.
Me (45) H (41) M:13 T:17, D8 & D10 4/19 BD #1 ILYB 8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA 12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA 2-5/20 R attempt #1 6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP 8/20-present R attempt #2