The only thing I'll add is that a "trial separation" isn't "trial" at all. Its a separation - IHS, trial, actual S - they are all the same thing. The word "trial" is added by Cs and Ls to ease the transition for both LBS and WAS.
What each of you do during the S is not the business of the other person.
You control you, H controls H.
Sorry - I know it's pretty direct, but that cuts through all the fog and mud.
IW, you said it. S is S. Helps to have it this directly. I also see how it can be helpful, Valeska-- it actually feels attractive in a lot of ways right now. But it feels very final, to me. Like why bother. We can just be done, then.
Scout... what you wrote is exactly right and exactly what I will say if we do this. Honestly, reading it like that really helps me. Thank you. (Although, I've also read that if you know you want to D, you should just say that and not string the kids along... so if I go back to my S is S and might as well be D feeling, am I just stringing this out and making it harder on the kids out of my own discomfort and therefore selfishness? Pretending that we are Sing to work on our R from afar when we're really just too chicken to make the call now?)
Valeska, you're absolutely right about not lying to the kids. (H says even if we get through this he wants to sit our Ds down each when they turn 18 and tell them what happened and why. I'm not totally convinced of this but will cross that bridge if and when we ever get there.) Thanks for the reminder. I'm embarrassed I even considered it.
Me (45) H (41) M:13 T:17, D8 & D10 4/19 BD #1 ILYB 8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA 12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA 2-5/20 R attempt #1 6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP 8/20-present R attempt #2