May, what's your end goal? I imagine it is to have a healthy LONG lasting marriage, right?
What's the goal for your kids? I think it's for your kids to have healthy, happy parents and a stable life, right?
So let's break this down. The path you are on now and have been on have NOT been leading to a healthy long last marriage.The path is not leading ot kids with happy healthy parents and a stable life.
What is happening now is a father and a husband who carried on a two year intense affair under your roof, in front of your eyes and he dam well knew the risks that would have to his stable home and his kids. Right now he is a man you can't trust, who hasn;t changed, who is all words and zero actions. Who knows he can go on whatever whim he wants and he won't have any consequences and you'll follow right along with it. He manipulates you into the vacation he wants. Then he tells you he wants ot be with OW and would bet the farm on the fact he did such a quick turnaround, is because he was rejected by OW. I honestly have no doubts about this. No one does that quick of a turnaround.
Then I have read about the nutty stuff he says to you, how he wants you to be his emotional crutch for his breakup with OW and how he gets to do all of that. ANd i have read your self proclaimed angry outbursts you have.
Someone wise told me something so true: we teach people how we treat us. I am afraid you are teaching him that it is OK to treat you this way.
You want ot keep him under your roof so he doesn;t have temptation to contact OW? I mean, he can do that as well under your roof. He carried on a vry involved deep affair right under your roof. You can't keep him from anything and you can't control what he will do.
The road to a happy healthy marriage is him wanting to do this. Wanting ot do what it takes to keep his family together. Wanting to get rid of OW because he wants to and he wants to have a happy healthy long lasting marriage. Keeping him under the roof while he does this work and you watching this will not need lead and will not give you the best outcome for your kids.
A therapeutic separation would be your best chance quite honestly. Because I would say there are .01% of M's that came back from such a severe infidelity successfully in the same home.
and you aren;t making the decision for him to leave. You are making the decision. You have a voice here.
Your heart is in the right place for your kids, no doubt. But I am afraid the path this is on is the worst one for having this work in the run. You could probably keep everyone under one roof for now. But it is almost inevitable who this is going ot play out if he doesn't do the work on his own and truly want it.
The truth is you say you need him under your roof to work on the marriage, to see his changes, etc. But working in the marriage isn't what actually needs to be done right now. He needs ot work on himself, by himself, before he can even come close to putting true work int he marriage. ANd I would bet you, under your continuous scrutiny needing to see his changes, most of them won't be real, or he will buckle under the pressure. He isn't ready to work on the marriage. He is just terrified of being alone. He needs to work on himself hardcore before he could come close to truly recommitting tothe marriage.