Question for you about the enabling. Did you realize you were doing this during the healthy part of your M? Or is it just now that you're seeing it? For me, I never ever ever thought that was a role I played with my H. I definitely don't see myself even now as helping him or taking care of him. Just frustrated and angry with him and sort of sorry for him in between. When we were talking more and when everyone here and my IC was like screaming at me to stop processing all his garbage with him/for him, I was totally taken aback. It didn't feel like that to me at all. I felt like I was just trying to follow the DB validation rules (along with the occasional truth dart when I couldn't stand it any longer).
I had no idea the depths of my enabling until my IC pointed it out to be in really clear terms. And then family members started telling me stories of when they were worried about how much I was 'helping'' H deal with the stress of his job and life at the expense of my own well-being. The enabling can be unrecognizable in real time. The very fact that your H feels comfortable telling you all the juicy details of his feelings for AP (and has for a long time) is a sign of you emotionally enabling him. If you look at any place in your R where you don't have good boundaries, you will find enabling occurring. Other arenas where I was guilty of enabling: me just 'getting it done' instead of asking for H's help or not expecting equitable contributions to our family life. Anywhere in your life where you didn't let H stand on his own two feet, anywhere that you stepped in to 'fix' a problem, enabling may be lurking.
But let's just say for the sake of discussion, that you are only enabling H now with this whole A thing. That needs to end for your own well-being.
Originally Posted by may22
More recently, though, I've recognized this more. Most of all last week when I was in a place to be able to shut him down quickly each time and it really became clear that he wants me to talk about it all with him.
I echo Valeska's suggestion of a therapeutic disclosure. He (along with the help of a therapist) can get all the details out on paper, all his feelings, all of it. And you get to digest it on your own terms, with the support of a therapist to help you deal with the information contained.
Originally Posted by may22
A different pair of shoes. That resonates. if it were just my shoes it would be so easy. my girls love their dad so GD much. I almost wish we were high conflict so I had a good reason to S.
Of course they love their Dad. As they should. I am not suggesting walking in a new pair of shoes means that you have to S. But I just think you need to draw that roadmap on a blank sheet of paper, not one with lots of Sharpie marks on it already.