Originally Posted by may22
Boundaries... what i have been working on with my IC since June. Something that basically didn't exist in our relationship so has been pretty difficult for me to even understand, let alone stand up and enforce. A bunch of posters, especially AlisonUK, have really helped me here.

I totally get it. I've been in IC for 3 months specifically dealing with boundaries. If you want - Google Vicki Tidwell Palmer and boundaries. She is a game changer for me.

Originally Posted by may22

My current boundaries are:
-- I will not make this decision for him.

My question for you is yes - you will make not the decision for him - but are you enabling his indecision-making?

Originally Posted by may22
Those are my authentic boundaries at this point. My IC really wants me to stop being empathetic to him and stop letting him lean on me to process his emotions (she thinks I shoulder his emotional burden and he has this unhealthy need to process through all this cr@p with me, has wanted me to make the decision together with him, etc.). For the most part, he's stopped bringing up the SSM and talking about fantasyland D scenarios.

Totally agreed. I said something to Pommy on her thread.. His emotional spew is not your burden. He needs to find someone else to talk to about all this stuff.

Originally Posted by may22
I still need to stop him from talking about his feelings for AP, though he will respect my boundary with a simple hand motion reminder. (Before, he would pout and say he didn't want to talk about the outlines of what had happened without the feelings because they were inseparable). I'm actually wondering if spilling the rest of his guts will help here-- he'd said in the week leading up to the most recent BD and during that conversation that he felt there were things I still needed to understand about him, that I didn't "see" him, and from what I can tell I think that it is all just about his feelings for her that I had refused to hear.

I would not suggest that H spill his guts w/o guidance. A therapeutic disclosure of sorts. Are you familiar with that?

M(f): 38
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.