Originally Posted by tom_h
Originally Posted by Vapo
Do not go on a hunt for a wife number 2, you are waaaaay to damaged to think clearly now. Damaged attract damaged and you might attract someone in your life that is just as damaged if not more. You need time to heal and you need time to recover. Prior to 2 years of single life do not even attempt to date, you have to learn to be content and happy to be by yourself. Thinking that some else will bring joy to your life is a receipe for disaster. The only way you can be happy if you find happiness from within.

So immerse your self in work, your hobbies and kids. You are in for a looooong haul.

So can we distinguish between "hunting for wife #2" and just dating? They really aren't the same, but you imply they are. I had far too much attention from another gal my age 90 days after the DB, and I did put an end to it after another 90 days because I did not like the thoughts I was having, but it was nice to have a date on New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. Another high school friend, also divorced, made me dinner and I loved the attention and the goodbye hug!

But you're telling me this is not healthy? Human connection is not healthy? Please explain in more detail. Because I have received advice from other quarters that I should date my heart out, just don't make commitments. I've also had advice saying "don't do anything significant for a year" and that date is coming up quite soon. So is it one year or two? Dating forbidden or dating OK, just commitment and love are forbidden? I need more advice!


We are telling you that until tom is happy just being tom, he will never be happy being 1/2 of a couple.

You will get a lot of advice. The advice we try to give here is to help set you up for success in your next R. Whether that is with someone new, or with your W, if you don't work on Tom in the meantime then you are going to make the same mistakes, fall into the same trap, and end up in D court all over again.

It sounds to me like your W was miserable for decades, and only stuck around because of the kids and your religion. I see that all the time. I am very religious and active in my church. I've seen it a number of times where one spouse sticks around in a bad marriage until the youngest child is 18, and then they leave and file for D. I think rose was really on to something that suggests that you were missing signs that your W was unhappy. I think that is spot on because I can relate. my W was the same way. She was miserable. I just kept doing what I was doing and it wasn't until I saw tell-tale signs of an EA that I finally really understood just how unhappy my W had been.

tom, some of the best advice I got early on in my situation, when I too was grasping at straws to understand why my W was doing what she was doing (she was in an EA, when I confronted she immediately said she wanted to get a job, get her own place, and get a D) was that my W was simply trying to be happy. As Rose said, put yourself in her shoes. You many not agree with her methods, but her motivation is simply that she is doing what she thinks she must in order to be happy.

The other thing I learned from this same source was that I had no control over my WAW and whether or not my sitch ended in D or not. But I did have control over me and my own happiness. You say:

Quote
My situation after nearly 12 months is that I've lost most of my best friends (their wives all adore my ex), and my social life has been pretty bland due to my singleness and covid. Until I saw the WAW syndrome described by Michele I still couldn't understand anything! So finding this place I was hoping to makes some new online friends and maybe find a few kindred spirits who could patiently see me through some new understanding. That's all.


I see excuses in this paragraph. I see victimhood. What I can tell you is that where there is a will there is a way. We LBS loves to sit and stew in our juices and then claim "I am all alone". And I believe that is why the first bit of advice almost all anti-D experts give is to go out and GAL. I believe that is to prevent the above. I find it hard to believe that ALL of your friends are husbands of your wife's friends. I am sure, due to being involved in church like us, you do have several friends that are husbands of your wife's friends, but 100% of them? You even use the word most. So concentrate on the ones that are still around. Schedule time with them. I know I reconnected with an old friend that I hadn't talked to in years except at his parents' funerals. We have a mutual hobby in firearms and going to the gun range with him was cathartic beyond belief! Maybe firearms aren't your thing, but I have to believe that you have friends that you share hobbies with. So reconnect and engage in those hobbies!

And if by chance you don't have any hobbies.....go get some! The world is your oyster tom! One of my best lessons learned in my sitch was that my happiness is my responsibility, and mine alone!! Even though my W and I reconciled and are happier together than we have ever been, a big part of that was because I learned how to be happy without putting that burden of making me happy on her! Our dynamic is much better in the 2 years since our sitch than it was the previous 19 years combined.

As far as making online friends here...we are all your friend. I always like to think about Jesus when I think about true friends. One of my favorite accounts is when Jesus told Peter "Get behind me, Satan!" Many would have felt that was harsh and that a true friend wouldn't say that to a friend. But the harsh truth was that what Peter was saying was embodying Satan, and Jesus bluntly called him out on it. That is a true friend. A friend that tells you what you want to hear is no friend at all. So when someone says "Hey, go out and date your heart out" when you clearly are still hung up on your STBXW, that is bad advice. They say that because they are wanting to see you stop hurting. But it isn't good advice because in the end it won't accomplish stopping your pain, and it is patently unfair to women that you will date. So yes we are your friends, we want to see you get on with your life and be awesome and happy and healthy. But we aren't going to try to apply bandaids to a gaping wound that requires sutures. That is what dating would be for you right now.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018