Originally Posted by Rose888
You said you didn't want me to stay away from your thread, so I am going to take you at your word.
Rose, thanks, I don't have that thin a skin, but my first day I read a lot of posts that were sympathetic and commiserating so I was taken aback when none of the replies to my post were that way for me. So hammer away, it's fine.
Originally Posted by Rose888
First, if you haven't already, go read Divorce Busting.
Roger that.
Originally Posted by Rose888
You don't agree with that decision, but can you put yourself in her shoes to the point where you can understand why she made that choice?

Can you accept that her responsibility to tell you exactly how unhappy she was is not greater than your responsibility to pay attention to your wife and not take her and her happiness for granted? You both failed. It wasn't like you upheld your end of the bargain and she didn't. Both of you contributed to the breakdown of your marriage.
Yes, I accept the fact that responsibility cuts both ways. But it will take me awhile to accept that fact that there is mutuality, or 50:50 duality, when one spouse is blissfully living in what is admittedly a less-than-perfect marriage, while the other one is secretly plotting an exit and sequestering all the money in secret bank accounts, hiring lawyers in advance, etc. One person is acting honestly (even amid the crummy marriage) and one is acting duplicitously.

Today at least, I understand everything she felt, and everything she did EXCEPT filing for divorce without notice. Trial separation, counseling, even legal separation with dating allowed. Just leaving without turning back after 30 years makes no sense to me. I feel an enormous sense of betrayal. If her feelings during her 5-10 years of pain were legitimate, then can't my sense of betrayal, at least for awhile, also be legitimate?

My situation after nearly 12 months is that I've lost most of my best friends (their wives all adore my ex), and my social life has been pretty bland due to my singleness and covid. Until I saw the WAW syndrome described by Michele I still couldn't understand anything! So finding this place I was hoping to makes some new online friends and maybe find a few kindred spirits who could patiently see me through some new understanding. That's all.

I've had very few chances to vent. Most people don't want to hear it. My ex was no doubt venting about me to a small collection of girlfriends for years. Don't I get a chance? I know, I know, grow up Tom.