Hi May,

I agree with so much of what everyone is saying and suggesting. And I also totally empathize with the position you are in and the paths that lay before you. None of which have clear roadmap for you to follow. Which means that you get to listen to your gut, stay true to you and do the best you can right now with the information you have (from H, from all of us, from within yourself).

I think there is a blurry line between enabling H/empathizing too much with him, and your own self-worth/value. For a long time in my R, I was able to be a great enabler and also have a strong sense of self worth and value. So the two felt pretty exclusive from each other to me. Until H betrayed my trust/love/emotional support. The enabler in me wanted to be big and take it all and 'help' him through this difficult time. But I couldn't do that and also protect my own value as a human. So I spent too long losing my own self-worth in this process. Which made me 1) less attractive; and 2) highlighted H's inadequacies, because here he was decimating me and even then, I 'pitied' and tried to take care of him. (<<not really, of course, but I can see that's what he felt)

I know that many people see H as a master manipulator, but he could also just be really dependent on you to fix, answer, solve and navigate the tough emotional stuff for him as he lacks the muscle strength to do so on his own. Which is partly his fault and partly yours for enabling him for so long. H needs to fall, hard. And then build himself back up, brick by brick so he has the stamina and strength to stand on his own two feet for the rest of his life. Can you 'allow' this to happen? Can you watch him do this and not lift a finger to help him? Because until he does this all on his own, you will not be able to move forward into a true partnership and path to M 2.0. WF is a great example of this.

Along this thought, would you be willing to explore if the things you think are lines in the sand right now, might not be in your best interest? Nor facilitate the best outcome? Can you let go of everything you thought were absolute truths right now and start from scratch? No matter what happens in the future, right now you are walking in a very different landscape than you were a few months ago and you might need a different pair of shoes.

You are going to be great, May. Whatever happens.

(((May)))