You said you didn't want me to stay away from your thread, so I am going to take you at your word.

First, if you haven't already, go read Divorce Busting.

Second, based on what you have posted here, you are not a victim.

You and your wife were in a long-term relationship. You both had ways in which you were a good spouse, but you also both had ways in which you were not a good spouse. It eventually got to the point where your wife thought leaving was better than staying. So she left.

You don't agree with that decision, but can you put yourself in her shoes to the point where you can understand why she made that choice?

Can you accept that her responsibility to tell you exactly how unhappy she was is not greater than your responsibility to pay attention to your wife and not take her and her happiness for granted? You both failed. It wasn't like you upheld your end of the bargain and she didn't. Both of you contributed to the breakdown of your marriage.

I am not trying to lay on the guilt. I just truly, honestly believe that growth only comes when we acknowledge our own responsibility and focus on becoming better partners, regardless of whether our significant other is doing the things we need from them. (With the big caveat that one shouldn't stay in an abusive situation.)

It's not easy. I fail at it all the time, pick myself up, and try again.

But it's the only way to grow into a good partner.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16