Boundaries... what i have been working on with my IC since June. Something that basically didn't exist in our relationship so has been pretty difficult for me to even understand, let alone stand up and enforce. A bunch of posters, especially AlisonUK, have really helped me here.
My current boundaries are: -- leaving the M, S or D, is a bright line for me. I will not be friends if we S or D. We will not play happy family. Easy. -- I do not want to hear about H's feelings for AP. (I realize that we kind of blew through this one with him telling me the rest of the stories about the times they spent together and her love notes to him. But, it was my choice to look and to listen-- he checked in multiple times throughout to be sure I did want to hear.) To the extent that I want to know about the A, I want it to be facts, not feelings. This has been relatively easy for me to hold, excepting the conversation yesterday. For months after we tried to R the first time he found it impossible to discuss any aspect of the A without shoving BUT I LOVE HER down my throat, so we avoided talking about it/her. -- I do not want to talk about any fantasyland D scenarios where he is with AP yet H and I still eat dinner as a family and vacation together. -- I don't want to talk about the SSM with him. I've shared where I was multiple times and my regret for hurting him, and to me there is no reason to go over it again and again if we are not staying together. I am tired of it coming up as a justification for the A, so am not willing to talk about it any more. -- I will not make this decision for him.
Those are my authentic boundaries at this point. My IC really wants me to stop being empathetic to him and stop letting him lean on me to process his emotions (she thinks I shoulder his emotional burden and he has this unhealthy need to process through all this cr@p with me, has wanted me to make the decision together with him, etc.). For the most part, he's stopped bringing up the SSM and talking about fantasyland D scenarios.
I still need to stop him from talking about his feelings for AP, though he will respect my boundary with a simple hand motion reminder. (Before, he would pout and say he didn't want to talk about the outlines of what had happened without the feelings because they were inseparable). I'm actually wondering if spilling the rest of his guts will help here-- he'd said in the week leading up to the most recent BD and during that conversation that he felt there were things I still needed to understand about him, that I didn't "see" him, and from what I can tell I think that it is all just about his feelings for her that I had refused to hear.
This week has been the longest week ever.
Me (45) H (41) M:13 T:17, D8 & D10 4/19 BD #1 ILYB 8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA 12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA 2-5/20 R attempt #1 6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP 8/20-present R attempt #2