Originally Posted by Pommy99
May, how can you be sure that AP didn't give him full blown rejection after he reached out? This is a very fast u-turn on his part. Do you believe him when he says she is still there for him and this is HIS choice?

I'm sure. There were a lot of details. Also, I think he'd be more worried about trashing the potential for our R by telling me he was lying again about his communication with her than by me feeling he was choosing me as plan B because plan A wasn't available anymore.

Originally Posted by LH19
I want to make it clear that I am not telling you to "kick your H to the curb". What I am suggesting that you need to get him out of the house to work on himself and earn another chance with you.

I get that and appreciate the clarification. Like a trial separation? Or done and moving on? I just don't feel like a trial separation is useful at all. I have zero chance of trusting he won't be in contact with his AP if we S for any reason, which means that basically I have to believe he is talking to her, which then means I'm done. No need to look back. It is the same exact thing as him moving out and us separating for real. I feel it would just be more wishy-washiness. Also, it is the actual separation and its effects on the children that is my major roadblock to a separation, so it isn't a trigger I want to pull until I'm absolutely sure that is what is best for the children and for me.

I could potentially get behind asking him to move down to the basement for a bit to give me more space. That has been something I'm considering.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
He might never do that May, he might never learn or grow, but do you see that you are driven by fear here, fear that the notion of your marriage will be lost. You dont have to D now, but you need to have self respect and grow into a happy woman who is content and in harmony with herself.

Thanks, Gigi... I need to look up vedic astrology. I actually am not scared that my marriage is lost. It is gone. That's OK. There is nothing I can do about that now. What's past is past, and I'm trying to make sure I have a totally clear-eyed view of what is now and what I can do within my own boundaries and in alignment with my own values before I make my next move.

Originally Posted by LH19
You talk about your core values, beliefs and boundaries. I am assuming that affairs, lies and manipulation don't make the list.

My core values, beliefs, and boundaries are for me and shape what is and is not acceptable in terms of my own choices and behaviors. H's behavior and choices are all on him, not on me. Of course I never would have picked a life partner whose values were that different from my own. I don't think they were. But people do change, are in a bad place and starting to look at 40, get on a slippery slope of small choices that feel good and seem OK and can be justified in the moment, and suddenly you are not the person you thought you were. I think that is what has happened to my H.

Now he needs to find his way back-- not necessarily back into our M, but back to having his behaviors align with his own values. Or, he won't. I don't know and it is completely out of my control. He spent all this time convincing himself that D was the right course of action because True Love, or our R had no chance, or I didn't really love him because of the SSM, or whatever. He's grieved our M. I've now grieved it too, this past week. He can decide to be someone who lives by his values, or maybe he want to be that person but is too weak or governed by his own impulses and selfishness to actually do it, or maybe he no longer cares and just wants to consume whatever life has on offer without worrying about breaking commitments or the consequences your choices have on other people. That is for him to decide. For me, I need to decide how I want to live my own life, how I want to feel when I look back on this time period without regret. I'm not going to ask him to leave because I think it would have the greatest chance of saving my marriage. I can't traumatize the children without actually knowing in my bones that the best thing for all of us is to leave. And when I leave, or ask him to leave, it will be for good. (Yes, Wayfinder, I know it doesn't have to be that way. But that is where my heart is at this point.)


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2