Thanks, everyone. Thinking a lot. If I make this decision, it will not be spur of the moment as crossing the line of asking my H to leave has always been the one thing I said I would never, ever do. That I cannot do it, that taking that step is violating one of my core values and breaking a sacred oath I made to my children when I chose to have them.
I am not saying I think it is wrong for people to leave their Hs or to D. I think every situation is different and people need to make the choices that are the best for their children and then them, in that order. I also think that for most if not many, those two things are the same. But not always. I am now 100% prepared to be on my own, with my kids, establish my own life without H, be the best mom I could be, find that sexy philanthropist (Sage ) and have that thrill and joy of falling in love again with someone new. Seeing what I can do on my own. Fixing the $hit around the house myself. Taking over all those tasks that H does and finding empowerment in doing it all on my own. Reclaiming space in the house and with my time from H. Being able to be wholly honest with my friends and family and let myself lean on them. I am ready for that. Looking forward to it, even.
And, for the first time, I also see that the option, for me, to make the choice myself is there. It was never really there for me before. Now it is, and I can do it if I decide it is what I want for me and for my kids. But just because that option is now available to me psychologically doesn't mean I will decide it is the right choice for me, today. But having it as an option is so freeing. I wish you guys could feel how I feel right now. I know that I can make this choice when I'm ready to make it, and I can make it tomorrow or in two months or a year (once I get the post nup done, I'm doing nothing until that is ironed out and signed).
I'm not numb to the lying. But for whatever reason, hearing all those last things and seeing the memorabilia go in the garbage made it real to me, maybe for the first time, totally real. That my husband has been in a relationship with another woman for a long time. That our marriage is indeed over. It was over a long time ago. I just didn't know. Now I do. I'm not holding on to what was anymore, or what I wished it to be. It is what it is. Nothing to be done about the past. Only decisions to be made about the future, and if I want to consider a new relationship with my H, or move on on my own.
And after standing through all of the BS I have stood through, I'm really not prepared to ask him to leave at this very moment out of anger about the latest revelation. Especially because for those of you who have been following me, you know that while his body has been here, he has never said explicitly to me that he wants this M, that he believes we can reestablish intimacy between us, fall back in love, whatever.
Also, I don't think he's being purposefully manipulative. I actually don't think he has the EQ to do that, especially at this level. He is confused and sad and scared. And I am not going to get emotionally dragged into caring about where his head is right now. The emotional fog has lifted for me around my H at the moment. I am no longer buffeted by anger and sadness when I think about H and AP together. It happened. (I do still have rage about the potential future, though. That isn't dealt with yet.) I am not gobbling up these crumbs. But I may-- may-- be willing to wait a bit to see if something more substantial can emerge.
Question for you guys, though. I have my next IC appointment on Wednesday and want to talk to her about my values and the question that has come up here a bunch, whether or not I value myself. Any other suggestions? We've talked somewhat about my attitude towards D, which I can address again with her as well.
I love and appreciate you all, so much. xx M
Me (45) H (41) M:13 T:17, D8 & D10 4/19 BD #1 ILYB 8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA 12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA 2-5/20 R attempt #1 6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP 8/20-present R attempt #2