I'm so glad that I waited until today to post a response to your post the other day about your XH's issues with OW. DnJ responded pretty much what I was thinking, though said it much more tactfully than I probably could've. First and foremost, if the whole thing irritates you (I think I recall that was the word you used), then that is how you feel and no one has a right to tell you or try and make you feel a different way than that. So, there is that. But I guess, for me, in the bigger picture, I was seeing it from a different perspective. I get where you would find it irritating, particularly in light of how your marriage ended, but I don't know that it was his intention to create an issue. Should you care about OW's medical issues....well, I suppose as just a human in general, yes, but as it relates specifically to you, not really. Having been on your XH's side of the fence and caring for a partner with a ton of life-threatening medical issues, I can say I have done exactly what he did. My XH was in a fight for his life following a surgery gone wrong and I just assumed that his XW would take care of the girls during that time, even though it meant them being with her ALL the time. I didn't even talk to her about it. And, though it was not necessarily my place to do so, XH couldn't because they were keeping him sedated at the time. I didn't not talk to her to annoy her or because I was taking her time for granted, but simply because I was so overwhelmed that it just never occurred to me that the girls' own mother wouldn't jump at the chance to have more time with them for a little while. Again, I'm not necessarily saying how your XH went about it was right, but I certainly get it because I have been in his shoes, kind of. During that time in my life, there were a lot of things that got pushed to the back burner because my sole focus was on dealing with my XH and what was going on with him and whether he was even going to survive. I'm sure my assuming she'd take them full time was irritating to her and I'm sure she was frustrated that her XH's issues were overflowing into her life and I would've changed it if I could've, but the reality of the situation was I was doing all I could do to hold it together. So, did your XH step on your toes a bit (or maybe even a lot)? Yes. But, he is dealing with something serious and so much larger than himself that he is bound to be out of sorts about it. If the shoe were on the other foot and you had a partner who was dealing with something so big, would your XH do for you what he's expecting you to do? If he would, then good on both of you for being civil adults and dealing with what you have to deal with. If he wouldn't, then he's an a$$ but that doesn't negate what he's dealing with in this moment.

I hope that all makes sense and doesn't come across as rude. I do think you have every right to feel irritated, angry, upset, whatever you feel. That is your business. How he handles it all is his business. How it affects your kids is both of your business.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)