He took me down to the basement where he got out a box hidden back somewhere crazy. he said, I know you asked me if I had any mementos of her. I lied. Here they are. And he opened the box and proceeded to name each memento and throw it into the garbage. He said, you can look at any of this if you want, or you don't need to. Playbills from shows they went to (including Hamilton, Wayfarer), tickets to Harry Potter at Universal (where we took our kids the next year together), love notes from her. Two candles she had given him. A vase she had given him.
Oh, yeah. Also, they had seen each other in a bunch of other cities he hadn't told me about. He went to a wedding with her as her date. They went to breweries we had talked about visiting together. He went through each one. He checked with me several times-- do you want to hear this? I said yes and he kept going. She came to our hometown, which he'd specifically told me she hadn't done. I was here. He took her on a couple of hikes, other places we had gone together. Slept with her at her hotel room one night and came home to me.
He said, I was never going to tell you about this box. I was going to hang onto it in the hopes that one day we would get back together. She had given him 39 love notes for his 39th birthday, all things she loved about him. He handed them to me and I put them in the garbage.
I think my detachment was complete. I didn't say anything. I didn't actually feel anything, except a vague positive feeling about knowing the truth. he said, she is a good person. It really bothers me when you say she's a whore. I had glanced at enough of the notes to actually feel empathy towards her in the moment, towards both of them. I said, she isn't a bad person. He started crying.
Oh, and.... there never was any email. He felt caught in the moment when I asked if they'd been in contact and made up the email on the spot. he hadn't talked to her during our trip at all, but the morning of the day her told me he wanted a D he talked to her, and they've been in contact this week (until Friday, when he told me he was choosing me). She's still there for him. He showed her the apartment he wants. He said she's saying she isn't sure what she wants, but he knows she's still there if he called her and said he was taking the apartment and is choosing her.
I still said nothing, really. Felt nothing, really. He took the garbage out and put it in the trash outside, replaced the bag. He said, I will call and decline the apartment. To me, this is the perfect apartment. If I'm going to leave, this represents to me the ideal situation. It is absolutely perfect. it has space for the kids, close but not walkable, beautiful, not depressing like a number of other ones I've looked at. I still have what is my very final chance with her. But I'm not choosing that. Sometime this week I will call her and tell her I'm choosing you and my girls and declining the apartment, and that I don't want to be in contact with her anymore. I said ok. He talked a lot about this time being different because it is coming from him, he is making the choice, he wants to reclaim all the memories of the places they went for us. I asked if he was still OK signing the pre-nup, he said yes.
I guess I could have taken that moment to say enough is enough. I didn't-- I didn't really feel angry or anything. For whatever reason this most recent (I was going to say "final" though who knows... though at this point I don't possibly know what more he could share that is worse than what he has). is this detachment? I'm really like, whatever, at this point. Just want to get that prenup signed and decide from there.
I know I know I know. But, detachment feels pretty good.
Me (45) H (41) M:13 T:17, D8 & D10 4/19 BD #1 ILYB 8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA 12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA 2-5/20 R attempt #1 6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP 8/20-present R attempt #2