Originally Posted by wooba
May, if my H comes back to me crawling on his knees right now asking to reconcile, I would ask him to sign the divorce papers (with terms favorable to me) first before anything. So my advice for you is to protect your assets and custody rights before indulging your H in his wishful thinking. Please don’t go down that road again with him.

He says he will sign a post-nup agreement.

Originally Posted by wooba
No. He does not have a point here. You “prevented” him from doing what?

Originally Posted by scout12
Blameshifting: “incorporate the things you prevented him from doing”,

This is around one of my 180s, and I fully acknowledge my faults here. After we had children, I had a lot of guilt around spending money and time on myself, and therefore did not. I also then got very angry with H if he ever wanted to do things on his own, things I wasn't interested in doing, like go to a certain concert or a football game. I would get incredibly angry with him and try to make him feel guilty if he wanted to do something for himself. For instance, he loves surfing, it is his sanity-making exercise and form of meditation. I would get super annoyed if he would go more than say once a week because I felt he was choosing himself over supporting me by being there in the morning to feed the kids breakfast, etc. When the truth is, it is no big deal, he should absolutely have the freedom to go surfing some mornings and I should be able to go to yoga some mornings. But I did all I could to guilt him into not doing those things, because I felt guilty about doing them myself.

He always encouraged me, though, to do things for myself, get a massage, go to yoga, go out with girlfriends in the evenings, etc. This was one of my 180s -- being OK with doing things separately and letting go of the guilt around that-- and truly something I'm grateful for, for myself, that I've made this change. I'm happier and healthier for it for myself and I truly don't care at all when he goes surfing in the morning or whatever. Anyway, it isn't really relevant to the discussion at this point, except that he didn't bring it up in a "I want" way. He actually said, you've changed too, you know, and brought up this 180 of mine. And said he appreciates it and wants that ability for us both to do things we enjoy, together and apart, in M2.0. he used it as a positive example.

Originally Posted by Ginger
Honestly, may. It seems like he doesn’t want the divorce to be on him. He wants it to be on you .

How many times has he done this before ?

Third time's a charm, right? (jk) He ended the A in February after we went through discernment counseling (BD for learning it was a PA and had been going on for 2 years was 12/30). He had a business trip to her city planned and I had set that as a deadline for him to end the affair, or we were done. We did well for four months then she reached out to say she was moving on. Then he blocked her and said he was ending all communication with her at the end of July as it was a condition I'd set to go on a trip as a family, otherwise we were done. Now this Monday he told me (without having contacted her yet) that he was unhappy and wanted to S.

Pattern has been, he says he thinks he wants to leave to be with AP, she's the love of his life blah blah blah. I flip out, eventually settle down and start dropping the rope. I have held it very clear that we won't be friends in a Ded situation which he cannot seem to handle. The more I drop the rope the more he leans back in until he decides to stay. I am very, very tired of this ridiculous and weak wishy-washy flip-flopping.

Originally Posted by BluWave
So what happened when he emailed her (plan A)? Maybe he has finally missed out on that opportunity and so he is moving back to you (plan B)?

He recreated the email for me because he had erased it. It basically said I know it's been awhile, I'm having a really hard time, I don't expect a response, I still care about you and please know you can always reach out to me if you need to talk. Stupid for a whole host of reasons. He said he was embarrassed he did it and it was weak. She hasn't responded. He told me his decision about 12 hours after he sent that email. He said her not responding isn't playing a part in his choice but I am not putting any credence into that.

Scout, Blu, Cardinal, Ginger-- I share much of your skepticism.

Originally Posted by LH19
Well May as the saying goes"actions not words".

Yes, assuming I stick around to see the actions.

Here's where I am at the moment. Thinking about my paths forward, making sure any choices I make are in alignment with my own values. I feel so much more empowered and in control right now than I think I ever have throughout all of this. I think if the last time around he'd given me this same speech, I would have felt trapped because I could never authentically make the decision to leave the M. Now, I feel that is a potential path for me. I'm not sure it is the one I'll make today, but I feel strong and in charge of my own future in a way I haven't in a long time.

I have no need to make this decision today, or tomorrow, or next week. I want to get that post-nup written up and signed and then see where I am and how I feel, and how he is behaving. I am going to read through my threads from Jan/Feb and again June/July to see how I felt then and see what (if anything) feels different now. I will say, honestly, that what he said and how he said it felt very, very different than it ever has in the past. And he has NEVER said to me what I want to hear, as you all well know.

Thanks to all of you for your continued support and words... it is really helpful. I'm going to go make passionfruit ice cream with D10 now smile xoxo


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2