For what it’s worth? It’s worth absolutely nothing. Ready for the Universal Bullsh!t Translator?
Blameshifting: “incorporate the things you prevented him from doing”, “coerce him into staying”
Minimising responsibility: “it’s an addiction”, “this is your choice (to D)” (subtext: and harm the children)
Self-pity: “tearing him apart for years and eating at his soul”
Entitlement: “OW is someone he’ll think about occasionally with fondness” - how dare he say this to you?
Hedging: “part of his decision is motivated by fear”, “will do everything he can”, “wants to work towards it”
Self-preservation: “realised he doesn’t want the new apartment” (subtext: doesn’t want to give up creature comforts, doesn’t want to pay alimony/child support, doesn’t want to lose the nice house you share)
Manipulation: “I love you and never stopped loving you” - shades of “he hits me because he loves me”
Image management: “it’s best for the children”, “don’t want to be a selfish liar”, the change of tune after his family applied pressure
WEAK. This is just fear of consequences again. He doesn’t want to be a selfish liar? Well, he is one. People don’t change their character at 40 years old. This dude is fully baked and sorry to say, he’s a sh!t biscuit. He’ll always be a liar and a cheater. An alcoholic is an alcoholic regardless if they ever have another drink.
You can’t have love without respect. He has consistently demonstrated a profound lack of respect for you. Can you see the jabs of disrespect peppered throughout this grand declaration? You seem to have gotten to the point where you no longer respect him. Can you ever respect him again after all of this weak behaviour?
Scout, I’m right with you on all points. May, I hope you read this over several times.
So what happened when he emailed her (plan A)? Maybe he has finally missed out on that opportunity and so he is moving back to you (plan B)?
I don’t understand why he gets to come and go from this M as he pleases? And with no regard for how this affects you? His entitlement is troubling. Why do you continue to allow this?
It is one thing to be sorry and have regrets. It is quite another to have genuine remorse and empathy for what he has put you through. I would think after all the damage he has caused, a good man would not keep trying to jump back in when he feels you slipping away. Someone worthy of your acceptance, would more so want to understand your emotional process and how he can support you through the trauma. He should hope that one day you may be interested in Ring but not expect it or even ask for It. How dare he!
Right now after jerking you around for years, lying and cheating, justifying and blame shifting, he should just show you a better person — he does that with actions and consistency over time. Months and years. That’s it. He hasn’t done this ever or now, and so I don’t see any reason to trust him or consider taking him back.
Move on, May. Kick him out. . Let him do the real work this time! Then down the road you might see a better man and make a decision. This is years in the making and will be many more years in the fixing. Just focus on you and the girls now, start your own healing without him.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela