Originally Posted by tom_h
Originally Posted by Rose888
Originally Posted by tom_h


Well, this could be a long answer, but let's address only one thing now, the matter of love languages. I have no doubt that she will claim that I was either deliberately, or unwittingly, dismissive of her love languages. But that cuts both ways. She would be so mired in her pain that she would not realize that she was clueless about mine as well.

Yes, our marriage was muddling along but when we took our vows 30 years ago we both took those vows seriously, e.g., "for better and for worse" and "for richer and for poorer" and especially, "til death do you part." So I never, ever thought she would walk out. I would have never done it myself, either.

Yet ... had she told me a year prior, or 5 years prior, that our marriage was in trouble I would have done anything to keep it. Truly anything. As Michele said in one of her columns, when the beloved wife walks out, or is a few minutes from doing such, the husband is truly at the lowest ebb in his life and CAN make the changes that his wife thinks are impossible.

I didn't tell you what the love languages are yet ... I thought you might want to comment on the above first.


It sounds like you are more interested in blaming your wife than addressing your contribution to the breakdown of your marriage and your weaknesses as a partner.

Whoa, you guys and gals are a rough crowd.

I got a sense that this forum is meant to help others, and that help can come in a couple of different flavors. There is the kind of "help" where others will listen and be a new friend to others in grief; then there is the kind of "help" where others try to analyze you and fix your problems.

I don't think I'm ready for the latter here. I'm in therapy now and my counselor and I have been working on fixing me for 11 months. I can relate some of that, in time. But for now, on this forum, I think I need the former. The friend who listens. I'm hoping to find other men, like me, whose wives walked out and left them adrift, and who can provide some insight into the why and what to do. Also, I'd hope to hear from some wives who walked out on their man, and can give me some perspective as well. I'll get to analyzing what I did wrong eventually, I have lots of personal insights.

Does that make sense?




Tom, as a man whose W was in an EA and had said she was leaving, but never did, what I can tell you is that the support I got here, the advice, and yes, even the whacks across the knuckles were all invaluable to me and my mental health. One of the things this forum fights against is the victimhood dynamic. You've had 11 months to feel bad for yourself, but victimhood is something that will keep you stuck and not moving forward. This forum is about empowerment. It's about looking forward to becoming the best tom_h that you can be. Your W may come back one day. She may never come back. What you have is the choice to let her choice define you, or you can decide that no one....not even her, will cause you to live anything less than your best life! So yes, this forum can sometimes sting with the insights and analysis. But I can truly tell you, as someone that came to this forum looking for the magic bullet to fix my situation, that the 2x4s I got are why I'm still standing today. And I would have stood even if my W had followed through on her original plan to leave.

So tom, what are your hoping for here? Because if you came here to find out how to get your W to talk to you I'm afraid you may be disappointed. There is only one person that can make her talk to you...and that is her.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018