Originally Posted by Steve85
Tom, welcome to the forum. There is no don't about it, these things are stressful and extremely difficult. You are still struggling after a nearly a year. Because it is so difficult. I talk to LBS all the time, and while limbo (the state between being divorce bombed and the situation finally being resolved) with an IHS is difficult, I think those that are left immediately and have a very obstinate spouse who refuses to even talk is worse. So I know what you've been through has been awful.

You're going to be alright, and you'll even be better than ever! You mention your Christian faith, now is the time to lean on it. You seem knowledgeable of the Bible. So you probably know Romans 8:28. This will all work out for the best. Believe it!

Thank you for the pep talk and words of advice. I'm aware of the passage in Romans but I've been using Philippians 4:13 for the past year.

And yes, I appreciate your insight. The hardest thing was that she refused to talk. After all those years!

For one, I think she was afraid I would talk over her, which was a legitimate concern of hers -- before the divorce filing. Yes, I was the dominant male and no doubt that is one thing that she wanted and loved at first but rebelled against after so many years. The second reason she wouldn't talk -- I'm guessing here -- is that she knows she doesn't have a good answer to why she didn't try to work things out years ago; why she didn't do the decent and proper thing and get us into counseling; why she wasn't honest and open and tell me at least once that "our marriage isn't working out."

All I thought about those first 2 months -- when I wasn't thinking that it can't be true -- was talking with her. So yes the pain was excruciating.

So I do have a question -- one bit of advice I received, from a fellow who had been married a couple times, is that the divorced couple should still go into couples therapy, even after the divorce is final, because that is the only way you learn what you yourself did wrong from the other gender's perspective. Sure, we might be in therapy ourselves, but only the biased perspective is discussed. It takes the other side's view, even if it's hard to listen, to understand how we impact others. So ... even though my ex won't talk now, should I try and convince her to go into therapy once the divorce is final?

Last edited by tom_h; 09/10/20 04:51 PM.