Rachel, I feel your pain. Discovery of an active affair is so heartbreaking. If you can't reach out to your family, are there other people in your life you can turn to for support? You shouldn't suffer this alone. Talking to other people may relieve the burden of handling all of this on your own.
Originally Posted by rachel75
One thing I was thinking about-he has cheated a few times. We have been married almost 9 years. He started this relationship with the girl only 2 weeks after moving out. He seems to be unable to be alone. I wasn't making him feel wanted/loved, made him feel like he was a POS (because he was treating me like crap and I wasn't putting up with it), so he found someone to make him feel wanted. He has carried on other EA in the past and the revolving theme is that he just needs the attention, validation, etc. I get that it is nice to feel wanted, but really??
This is absolute proof that it is all about HIM and not you. You did NOT break him. This is NOT your fault. I too have a needy H who has never been single in his life. Who needs copious amounts of validation and when I wasn't doing a good enough job of that (unbeknownst to me, of course), he sought attention elsewhere. I am not too far ahead of you, but what little I have learned about myself thus far is that in actuality, I don't want to be with a person who needs me to provide them with their sense of self, value, esteem or happiness (none of those things come from other people anyway... they are all things we have inside us). I am already raising 4 kids, that's enough work in that department. Not that these are helpful sentiments at this very moment in time, but maybe they can provide some guidance.