Originally Posted by Core
I was thinking the other day...I dont think W thought she'd want back in the M. She doesnt know how to return, how to get through the feelings or what she did so she's throwing it away which is easier than looking inward.

FWIW, my H has said this to me fairly explicitly. He assumed the moment the A went physical that our M was over as I would kick him out the moment I found out, and grieved the end of our M long before I even realized it was in trouble. That it would be easier for him to forgive himself if we S/D than stay M. He's held onto this narrative for a long long time.

What I am coming to realize is... all this thinking and processing, trying to figure out where his head is... does no good. It just doesn't matter. He'll have what it takes to look inward and do the hard work, figure out how to realign his own vision of himself with what he's done, or not. Work on trying to get over AP or not. Make amends for what he's done or not. Work on our M or not.

Your W may be in a similar headspace. It may be true that the only reason you're moving down the D path is that she is clinging to made-up negativity in order to protect herself from doing the hard work. I think that is honestly pretty par for the course around here. WASs aren't all bad people. But they make bad choices and can't find their way out of them. They don't want to really own what they've done and so build up stories to tell themselves about how the LBS is so bad, they can never be happy with them, etc.

And... you can't do that work for your W. She'll either do it, or she won't. So far, she hasn't shown she has what it takes to do that work over the long haul. You initiating an R talk like that seems to me it would do a couple of things on her end-- pressure her back into her corner and her cause her to reinforce her own narrative, and remind her you're still there. (Simply asking her if she still wants to move forward with D shows that you're having second thoughts. If you weren't, you wouldn't ask. (I mean, if you weren't having second thoughts and asked and she said actually yes I am, that would be a pretty d!ck move.)

So.... just another reinforcement for you to skip the R talks, and let her do her thing while you focus on you. The work is hers and you can't do it for her, or make her want to do it. Focus on what it takes to make you happy and healthy.

Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D11
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
9/20-present R attempt #2