U and IW, thank you. I understand and know the universe doesnt reward good people but in the end, man social conditioning does make you think you'd at least have it a little better.

W and I have been getting along with the pressure off now, knowing were filing. Things are going slow however. I temp checked last night after the kids went to bed. I asked if she wants to do this. I didnt say where I was, just asked her take. She took her time and said that she thinks she does and shes following me through the D as I filed. Immediately after I was blamed for making her feel like a bad person and she had numerous reasons for wanting to D. I mentioned something she said in the past and completely denied saying it. I'm reminded that I'm losing a gaslighter, liar here yet she looks like she really believed her lie. Had a bunch of reasons why she wouldnt have said what she said then put it on me. This whole interaction from us both was calm.

I was thinking the other day...I dont think W thought she'd want back in the M. She doesnt know how to return, how to get through the feelings or what she did so she's throwing it away which is easier than looking inward. I really see that I'm going to be fine without her or anyone for that matter but I would rather have a home with two parents for the kids. I see the love would never be the same but then....it never wouldve been anyway. No one even in a happy marriage gets back to the high points. I've been enjoying us taking on the kids together. She often said I have a list of things I dont like about her and yet she last night is the one with a list for why to D. Many of the things are really just pains of living with another human. The stuff she had just bounced off me. In the end however I'm saddened for her as it seems she will not be a peace with any adult unless she gets help.

Should I have brought up the topic, of course not but I chose to as I was filling with regret for not having that last R chat before filing. With her being very much a follower, I have to wonder if she's waiting on me to say something. If I'm vulnerable and say....you know, I dont truly want this, maybe we would rebound. Who knows. I haven't seen actions on her end so I continue thinking I made the right choice and that we'll perhaps have an amicable D. Im honestly ok working on the R or Ding at this point. Ding probably being the better option here. When W is being decent, I actually miss her a little. I sometimes think things must be so much easier for the WW to be able to rewrite the past and make it dark. The bad times I mostly saw as temporary and insignificant. The good times I remember well. Thats what I think is the hardest part, remembering the M being decent. Im surely out of the fog after a year and can say, there really was no good reason for the M to disintegrate as it did. Thats from my perspective however and I know W with her past and her life experiences is built differently, has different thresholds and different wiring.

I cant wait for the end of this sitch. Its taxing. It seems two people who genuinely care for another are tearing apart a family because one holds on to every negative thing in the past as a protection mechanism.

H37, W37
D4, S2
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated