Mumin and U - I agree and disagree on the NGS comments partially. Read and thought that book was great by the way. Here's what I'm trying to work through....I see that I expect certain outcomes by behaving a certain way. My confusion is that I want to behave the way I do. I'm not changing who I am to get something. I don't have a covert contract with just a person, its like I have an expectation that the universe itself will fulfill what I perceived as a reward for good behavior. Maybe I've a covert contract with a higher power. The shame, guilt and outsourcing my happiness, thats definitely NGS haunting me again.

And U, lol at calling out the cognitive distortions. I find them easy to believe as there are daily examples. Those looking for a single dad, do they want the security, the feelings or the man himself? The same can be asked of me as well, am i looking for the stability, sex, happiness or the woman herself to compliment me? Right now I know I'd be looking for the wrong thing.

Yail - youre right about waves. Within a few hours of hitting the board here, I started coming out the other side and a huge part of it was that I was again dealing internally with my part of the martial demise and pain I caused my W. I hope Im wrong on my 5th paragraph as well, I really do. If it were not for my D4, and also seeing the ladies on this board fighting hard to save themselves and their drive for a happy marriage, I may have lost hope of the feminine side of the coin, from the damage done by my W and others in my past. Thank you for your encouraging post.

May - the $hit sandwiches are an acquired taste. Hopefully one doesnt get used to them. I've had my share of negative reinforcement on the relationship end. W was the first woman I really opened up to after years of bad picks on my end. I went for certain types which was my fault. My W I was different with. I fell for her personality over all other features. Still scorned on my end, plenty of which is my fault as well. I came across a stat saying that spouses of my personality type are the most unhappy of all types. Outside of me victiming here again, I hear your take. I can face the future when I get there. If some of this is true, its probably better I dont get in a R but I can decide that later. Your words and the others here do help.

I'm coming around the wave and this victim phase again and see some of the bright side of the days to come. W is dragging her feet. Not battling thankfully but moving slow and she missed a cut off date which is bringing the cost of this up higher if Im to continue pushing this through. There's probably a reason for the stall which is beneficial to her and who knows what for me. I remember her saying she needs to D as fast as possible at the beginning of the sitch. My IC picked up on PTSD related to the D and is going to try EMD for it. We'll see how it goes.

H37, W37
D4, S2
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated