Core, your most recent was so insightful. Your third paragraph I could have written.

Responding to your third paragraph specifically...yes. I know you know this, but it (grief) comes in waves. You're feeling a different wave now but it's all part of the same process. I think this is one that people here don't talk about - the one where the LBS finally starts looking inward. Truly inward, and seeing things they don't like. But also accepting it. I've had a few different waves of that, that we are all good yet imperfect people. I too have regrets on things I can't change, yet pride in who I am as a person. And accepting our flaws is hard because we can't go up to our WAS and say, "Look, see? I figured it out. I changed. I'm sorry, but I get it now". So the learning is a very solo act, and that's probably the hardest part of the growth.

Your 5th paragraph: That's a fine place to be now if it feels authentic to you. I suspect it's not true from an objective outsider's perspective, but that's not my call to make. Just leave room to be wrong here, k? Or to change your mind, if you wish to. You're in charge.

I'm going through a major upheaval at work. There's a lot of complaining about it. My colleague and I have taken to reminding each other, "This is what change looks like. It's hard in the moment.". So we accept that it's not ideal right now, but that all change for good and bad is difficult in the transition. It's not even a "get through it" kind of mentality, more of a "this is what is happening right now, this is reality. Live in it and acknowledge it for what it is."

Your post struck me because I was there pretty recently in one of my cycles post D. I'm now riding the most incredible high due to things that I couldn't have forseen. Leave your doors open for something unforseen, k?