I got help from the last few posts that I didnt even know I needed, nor asked for. That's how thoughtful and experienced I believe those on this board to be. The knowledge helped me through some difficult days and I had a decent week or so. Mumin, I'm glad my posts are of help. I've been meaning to reply, update and thank you all for the support but I found myself escaping.
I have stopped the forms of escape and got nailed with emotions. As I saw on U's thread, I know my current feelings are temporary. Writing here and knowing someone will read it sometimes is enough. Hearing takes and getting guidance is a bonus.
Here's what hit me...I dont want a divorce. I miss my old wife. I am ashamed for not treating my anxiety sooner, not understanding my wife better and being oblivious to how bad things were for her. This is my current emotions darkening everything...frankly life isnt great. Its not what I was told it would be. The book, friends, parents led me to believe that good things came to good people. Trying hard and being decent would lead to a nice life. Being loving, working hard, putting others first would lead to a happy marriage. I'm not greedy, selfish, rude. I have what I'm told are great qualities. Im assertive when it matters, confident before all this, I love others as they are....yet so much is taken from me. What made me happy, what I cared about wasnt money, games, validation. No, its having a safe secure household, getting the kids to sleep, kissing W on her head and having her fall asleep on my chest and in my arms. I fulfilled my role as a man, to create, provide for and keep a loving family safe and feeling loved. Or so I thought.
While wrapped in my own emotions, I didn't know W was hurting as she was. It would've been nice if she communicated as such but alas, I should've known how much she was pulling away. Divorce wasnt part of my vocabulary. I took my time to get treated and although I did before she asked for D, it was too late.
I've read too much on psychology and relationships now, I cant see having another one this day and age, and it is all I wanted. To have my kids at home and sleep next to someone who loved me for me. Here's the thing, loving a man as themselves is a fairytale or at least it is for me. If I act as my 100 percent fun, sometimes goofy, self depreciating humor self, few women I've ever known would be attracted. Some may like it but not be attracted and thus, dead bedroom would ensue and there goes intimacy. I'm content with a mediocre job so i can have more time with loved ones. Many people are not attracted to that. One must have a drive and purpose to be attractive. Well, what i wanted and strove for I mentioned already. I have it or had. Now I'll never have it and well without what I wanted in life, life is that much darker. I'm not saying I hate life or I need to call a hotline, its just the cold and hard reality I'm facing. I don't want to be rich, own a business, fight for power, look superior or higher value to others. No, I just wanted to share love and be loved for to me, thats why I'm here and why we're all here on earth. If I'm not pursuing a higher purpose, gaining power, etc then well unfortunately due to human nature, I'm invisible to a massive number of women. Add to that I'm under 6ft, personality means almost nothing to the millennial generation, I'll be bankrupt from child support and well, I dont have much to offer. Reality is, most seek someone whom has something to offer them. Relationships are transactional now, versus survival in the best. Theres always someone better or new to chase and thats what many people want. Life to most is just getting dopamine hits.
I'll make the best of what I still have, I just know it won't be the same. I know its better than living with someone that didnt love me. I am ready to build back up to my level of comfort and do what i need to, to have a happy home for the kids 50 percent of the time. I have hobbies to get me by, and friends to enjoy. There is still joy to have in this life, but whats got me today is that I'll never have that same highpoint and its no longer achievable. Even if W and I worked it out, Ill always know she wanted OM and that she discarded me at a low point like I was trash, she'll probably feel like shes settling. We were so different the first 6 years. She married hoping I'd change, and I married hoping she wouldn't.
Sincerely, struggling with accepting reality for what it is.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated