This is very encouraging to read. The forgiveness, hearing the kids are ok and hearing youre ok. Three years for forgiveness, shoot I'm not even at one. I can see how hard it must've been in your sitch and three years may be quick, considering the circumstances.
DV and I joined the community about the same time and I can tell you that she went through hell and back and then hell and back again. And then one day the tone of her posts changed. Her exH finally came clean(ish) and as painful as it was, (I think) it was the final push she needed. She stopped being angry about all the lies he'd told her in the past (they didn't matter anymore) and she stopped grieving the future he'd taken away from her (that future was gone, she was going to build a new one).
We don't all get that closure moment. For me, it's been a gradual shifting of the sands. But I am nearly there.
They say here that there is no timeline. It takes as long as it takes, it goes back and forth and one day you will realise the shift has happened. It might be meeting someone fantastic, it might be they do something and it becomes a final straw moment or it might just be witnessing a fantastic sunrise. Just live your life the best you can and the mental shift will happen in the background. You will know because you will read back through your posts and they will be less about her and more about you.
Originally Posted by Core
I hear you on why I shouldnt have guilt. The things W has been saying quite a bit the last few days and as much as I dont believe all of it, I believe some.
Ah, the f**kg guilt. Yes. They throw it at us like this is something we created rather than something we are reacting to. I am lucky (I guess), our communication is so poor that there is no opportunity to project guilt on to me .
Here's the thing, you ARE responsible for some of the faults in your M. That does not make you a monster. It makes you human.
But it is too late for "should haves and could haves and would haves". It is time to accept that those things happened, accept your part in it and use that information to make you a better man. Oh, and somewhere in there, you need to forgive yourself.
Re the divorce. Think of it as admin. Mechanics that you have to do, like taxes. Put the required paperwork together, start from a reasonable position and respond to queries, but otherwise leave it to the side. Things will get tough. Find things that ground you (meditate, church, long walks, running - whatever gives you the space to process and provide you with the quiet in order to listen to your better angels).