Core. You definitely have reasons to be angry with your W. It s*cks beyond belief to have someone unilaterally decide to dismantle your marriage and family life based on feelings. Believe me...I know what that is like...as does everyone else on here. But for your sake and the sake of your kids, you need to find a way to let it go and move forward. And forgiveness is a BIG part of that, IMO. Not just forgiveness for your W but, equally as important, forgiveness for yourself. I struggled with both of those things for a long time. Had many stops and starts. Times when I thought I had made it but then something would happen, and Iíd be back in the anger again and dealing with all of the hurt feelings behind it. It was a process but one that I was determined to get through so I just kept working on it. Itís been almost three years since BD and Iím happy to say that I am finally there. I can see and communicate with my ex without it affecting my day and we are co-parenting well. He is engaged to OW and I am okay with it. Our kids are good. Do they wish mom and dad had figured things out and they only had one house and one family? For sure but they have adjusted and are doing really, really well. And so am I. You can get there too and when you do, it will be such a relief. You will see things in a whole new way and you will look back and wonder why it took you so long to get there. Stay the course and you will get there... and it will be so worth it. (((HUGS)))
This is very encouraging to read. The forgiveness, hearing the kids are ok and hearing youre ok. Three years for forgiveness, shoot I'm not even at one. I can see how hard it must've been in your sitch and three years may be quick, considering the circumstances.
Originally Posted by Mumin
Throw all you guilt out the window! You never wanted this and you have NOT created this sitch. You have done more then enought to be able to say that you did waht you could to save the marriage! I think later on you will be happy you were the one to file. It is the ultimate way of putting you foot down. I was a bit fast to D but like other have said, it does not prevent R. Today I am actually really happy I was the one to do it.
Hi Mumin, I see why you feel youre glad you filed. When I read that, I see Im the same way. Glad I made a choice for myself to not allow this limbo and neglect continue. I hear you on why I shouldnt have guilt. The things W has been saying quite a bit the last few days and as much as I dont believe all of it, I believe some. For example, there are some things she tried to have us do while she was beginning walkaway mode. There things I said that were miscommunicated, etc. The parts that I know are truth bring me back to the uneeded thoughts most of us have early in sitches like...."what could I have done differently".
Originally Posted by Mumin
Not sure you mean "forever" here but this is actually wrong. So long as you remain their rock (see below) their future will most probably be MORE stable because of this. Not the other way around.
Good point, I can create the stability I seek and hold that down for the kids.
Originally Posted by Mumin
I understand what you are saying about forgiveness. Maybe you donít have to use that word for it. Personally I am not sure I will ever forgive the actions of my WW. For me its more about letting go and accepting things that have happend. What my W did is always going to WRONG and not acceptable in my book. So like IW said I will never say it to her face but I will accept the fact that all this happened and let it go. Otherwise I will be angry about what she did for the rest of my life. If that is called forgiveness, so be it. But I need it to be able to move on completely, and so do you. If not for you, do it for you kids!
I do have to say the anger is good in a way. Gave me the energy to turn things around. I have stopped harboring hate...maybe I am moving towards forgiveness.
Originally Posted by IronWill
My point was that you can start working on forgiveness. Its going to take a while to get fully there. No time like the present though
Do you think understanding why she did what she did will bring her back? Will it solve the puzzle? Will it give you peace of mind?
I've heard of people who have forgiven those who have murdered their own kids so I know I can forgive W for murdering our marriage in due time. I think whats needed is time and space. As were talking logistics, we side step here and there in to the relationship and well, I get lied to, see manipulation again. The things I'm working to forgive.
Do I think understanding will bring her back, no. Understanding is to give me a little peace. I see that I want less of the responsibility on my shoulders. Understanding would help me from repeating the mistakes. I dont think anything can bring her back. Not the version of her I married. The kids are the only glue left. My attachment to her now is limited. Alot of it is because many days, especially slow work days, shes the only adult I can talk to.
Originally Posted by unchien
One thing that helped me a lot was focus on the present. Forget about the future -- whether or not you seek a LTR, whether or not you forgive your W. Those things may come in due time, if you give yourself space to breathe.
You'll never know the Why. I guarantee you. It's not worth chasing.
Spot on, all points U. I've gone back to forward thinking and its full of turmoil whereas the present is actually content. On the why, I understand why I'll never know...because W and all her thoughts and feelings are run on emotion which is always changing. I doubt she knows the why herself, just what she feels at any given time is the why. Its changed so many times since she asked for D and some of the former reasons are no longer reasons.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated