So tonight, I'm realizing that it is so much harder, because I know that she still needs to follow her own path. Even though I don't want it, I almost wish she would follow through a bit more. I think she needs to leave the house, and be on her own. She can't come back if she never leaves. And if she doesn't leave, I'm worried that the what-if might continue to haunt us for years. I want my wife to stay, but I also want the marriage to be so much better than it was. I want us to both be very happy in the marriage rather than just "not unhappy".
I thought that we were both trying to pursue the goal of rebuilding/remaking our marriage when I got home in Feb. Other circumstances as well as Covid kinda through us off track. And I failed to keep communicating that it was still my goal. Nevertheless, I'm now realizing that I can't go back to what it was. Not only do I want her to be happy, but I also want to be much happier myself, and I want us to work together toward the same goal rather than working independently toward the same goal.
I want to tell her all these things and I want to tell her that we should proceed with the "separation" so that she has the independence to "pursue her happiness". Meanwhile, I will rely upon faith that her journey leads her back to me.
But here is the question. The last serious talk we had, was brief because we quickly hit an impasse. She wants me to move out. It is my intention to stay in the house. I may even be successful in remaining in the house if we did proceed all the way to divorce. But again, what I'm seeking if for her to have "space" to work through her process. So is it realistic to be "separated" while still living in the same house. Will she have the space to do what she needs to?
We are already sleeping in separate rooms. Have been for a while due to my snoring. We don't spend any time together except when with a kid or two. She told me in the original letter that she wanted a separation and to start figuring out the divorce, but in the same letter told me that I could stay in the house as long as I needed to due to my probation situation. Of course she also said that in the long run it was important for me to move forward elsewhere. And now I'm thinking something similar, that she needs to figure things out by being elsewhere.
But of course, what I ultimately want is marriage coaching together followed by happily ever after...