Hi Pommy,

I think it isn't a bad thing to let the two of you build up some positive memories together right now. I guess my only worry--- TOTALLY colored by my current sitch-- is that going too long without some professional help might also present its own difficulties, and once you get back into the rhythm of things it can be hard to get the motivation to go see someone if things feel fine. My guess is that he's probably motivated right now, since he wants to come home. Maybe you do wait until he comes home to start something, but maybe make it something you both agree is important before he moves in?

One thing I've been regretting (I know, no regrets, but here we are) is that there are some really positive things you can do with the help of an MC. It doesn't always have to be the horrible digging through the past or dealing with difficult emotions. It can be positive exercises designed to get you both thinking better about the other person. It can also be working on communication such that you can deal with difficult things more productively when they do come up (this has helped with my H even though everything else is going to $hit). If you are turned off of an MC, maybe getting a book like Gottman's 7 principles or something, reading through that, and going through the exercises. Or, assuming you still have questions or issues surrounding his EA, the Shirley Glass book to deal with it (depending on how much either of you consider it to have been infidelity). But there are exercises in those books or that an MC can lead you through to help develop more positivity around your MR, like spending time recalling your wedding and great memories together, or thinking about dreams that you both have for the future. Or even the Gottman book about the questions to fall in love (I can't remember the exact name) but a series of conversations designed to build intimacy. So maybe before you decide to dig into the hard stuff, maybe you can work productively on the positive stuff.

I don't know about you, but I was terrified to sweep everything under the rug. That resulted in me maybe pushing too hard to talk about the A and deal with my own stuff... but now I'm wishing that we spent some time really working on building intimacy and a future vision with a professional. Maybe that wouldn't have helped... I don't know. I have the big complication of the AP sitting out there that you don't have.

xx so happy for you, Pommy. I'm totally rooting for you two. I'll have a G&T and think of you tonight! Thanks for being there for me also-- it means a lot.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing