MrB, I think that the problem is that people misinterpret what a lack of respect really means.
Hence why i thought i'd post. It was kind of the way my mind was thinking, but i was intreiged into other peoples thoughts.
Originally Posted by Steve85
For instance, your EX having to come to you every time she wanted to make a purchase built up a lack of respect towards you. You may think it was resentment, but I think the two really go hand in hand.
It was never every purchase. She could and did spend £1000 a month of random stuff on our paypal account and i didn't bat an eyelid. It was mainly the large purchases that would cause a debate - and more often than not, it wasnt that i didnt disagree with her, but more in the way she did no research / just wanted to buy / spend on a whim - because its what she wanted - and i want it now !
Originally Posted by Steve85
I know in my own sitch, after I took control of our finances back many many years ago (my W had setup auto payments on things resulting in a negative checking account and huge credits with a few of our billers), we ended up with a very similar dynamic as yours. My W would suggest we should get something, I would say yeay or nay. Over time this dynamic created a daddy-daughter relationship between my W and I.
Thats a fair way to look at it. Looking back, i always took control of the finances, as she never really understood them. This isn't meant to sound disrespectful about her, but she always struggled with numbers / legal documents / bills and although she lived on her own before she met me, she was clueless. I think one thing lacking in school today ( in the UK anyway ) is education on living costs etc. When i first moved in to her house i noticed her water meter bill was x3 what i was paying as a single person. I got her to query it and it turns out she was on a "crossed" meter so had been paying other houses water bills for years - she got a massive refund, but would hvae never noticed. Hence she was so was happy to leave me to it. I don't think she every once asked about anything in about 8 years - Until after DB, then it was a case of "your are controlling, you never let me do it etc" -
Originally Posted by steve85
Back to the point, resentment to me leads to a lack of respect. And sometimes the WAS/WS doesn't even realize it themselves! My W on BD and shortly after it continued to say she had the utmost respect for me, especially as a provider and a wise finance guidance counselor. Yet her behavior was saying that she had no respect for me, largely because of resentments that had built up over time. So it isn't that they are separate as in either lack of respect or resentment can lead to a WS. I think the resentments build up to cause a lack of respect. Now that doesn't mean that is the case in every situation. Other things can cause a lack of respect, like be a beta male in the relationship, etc.
sounds familair - cheers Steve.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.