So I never thought I’d actually resurrect his thread.
I know a lot of LBS use this site for the initial advice then disappear, where as I’ve found it an invaluable source of info for self-improvement.
One post that really got me thinking the other days was an excellent post from LH19 – and it really struck a cord… To the point where I re-read it last night and its got me thinking about respect and resentment.
The jist of the enlightening post was this.
Originally Posted by LH19
When you live with someone, there is a huge motivation to keep the peace. Everyone wants peace in their lives. If you blew up over every little thing that happened between you, you would both be miserable.
As such, you push things down and gloss over them as you live together, and the consequence of that is that resentment builds.
If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.
Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a years long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"
Unfortunately, in many cases the "annoying things" were never even articulated, or if they were, not with enough gravity. Once the "I need to leave" point is reached, whatever those things are get magnified (the coffee incident) and new ones get invented to help convince the departing partner that they are making the right choice, its an act in self-reinforcement which sometimes requires lots of fabrication.
If I’m honest, I rarely think about my old life now – I just want peace and hassle-free life to enjoy with my children. However, the post above did make me reflect back, as it touched upon one thing I could never really understand. That was the loss of respect. I actually read my old post back and it was this comment that stuck out from April 2019
Originally Posted by MrBrside
RESPECT This comes up a lot on the board and I think Sandi mentions that once the wayward loses the respect, they go hunting. Respect is a word my ex-partner used a lot, after I refused to put the boob job on finance – Even though I paid outright, it really bugged her. She accused me of being a controlling bully for not signing the finance agreement at the time (along with the blackmail) – It didn’t matter I was paying outright and saving interest payments on the finance - She used to continually bring the finance up (even after the operation) and say that I never respected her enough to support her and go guarantor on the finance. If this was mentioned once, it was mentioned 10 times. It even came up in counselling. Was this projection back at me? Did she lose respect for me for refusing to go guarantor? I don’t know, but it was certainly a bug bear on her part. Looking back there were a few other things that also got mentioned ( see Self improvement ).. But all in all, I don’t know what more I could have done apart from be her doormat.
As I have mentioned in numerous posts, over our 8 years, we got on well – But once may WW decided she wanted something, it would cause the row of all rows until she got it. Boob job, new car, new house, more clothes, botox etc – I could even predict it coming, ie if we visited a friends house and they had a nice sofa, I knew I would be in for a “we need a new sofa” demand.
Me being the rational person would find a way to make it work, without putting us into debt. I would never do anything stupid that would cause financial hardship, but I would find a rational and sensible way to provide what she desired. If I felt it was unnecessary and a case of “keeping up with the jonses then I did fight my corner. This went on for years, with the status quo being restored until the next demand popped up.
A few months before we separated our neighbour’s got a house cleaner. My WW decided she wanted / needed a cleaner (she only worked 12 hours a week) . I told her we did not need a cleaner, but she was furious. Just after our separation I got a random message saying “Its all your fault we are like this – why didn’t you listen to me ! – why didn’t you let me have a cleaner when I wanted one”
So this brings me back to the 2 R words – Respect and Resentment.
I think its fair to say there was a lot of resentment there, that built up from every time I didn’t jump to her tune.
I’ll be honest and say it’s not just me she resented – I have seen her cut off several “best friends” after they did something to annoy her / said something she disliked – like literally overnight she disowned them.
She hated her father with a passion for leaving her mother when she was young – ie no birthday cards etc and always said if I proposed to her, I couldn’t ask his permission or she would say “no”.. So she carried a lot of resentment around with her.
I’m not that way inclined so actually find it a bit difficult to relate – even with the WW now, after infidelity, all the emotional blackmail and threats I don’t resent her – I just want an peaceful drama free life with my children, without her..
With her it seems to be the opposite with her. I have also touched upon the fact I believe her to be BPD / NPD which probably doesn’t help matters..
So my point being, after a very long winded post, - LH19 made posted a great insight into resentment and I’m curious as to what people think - is it always the loss of respect that breaks down boundaries and causes them to cheat ? .. Or can resentment be enough to push a person over the edge – does the resentment eventually cause a lack of respect ?
Opinions welcome ?
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.