Originally Posted by MistySea
Quote
Go no contact.

Steve - What about when the WAH is still living with you?

Alright - though all this has just been going on since Feb 25th, I feel like it has been years...

The WAH is in the house, at first was "trying" at our marriage and I was told he stopped the A during this try time to focus on us, after about a month or so of that, he let me know he still did not feel any rekindled feelings - thought I was a great person, he knew I had made major changes that would stick and thought we would make great friends. (kill me) And he would no longer be trying...but stayed in the house. I really did not understand what "not trying" meant, until I recently discovered that it meant that he was fully back into a EA/PA.

I let him know last night that I know. We have been to one MC session where we learned a DEAR technique for conflict resolution and should practice together - so I used one of our practices to bring up that fact that I now understand what he meant by not trying - and all the associated feelings around it. It turned out to be a lengthy conversation, where he did break down getting a bit weepy and said he was struggling with his decision and that is why he is staying. He was very soft, tender and vulnerable...but that was last night.


Likely this is manipulation on his part. WAHs are often concerned about finances. And he may not be able to move in with her or have anywhere else to go. So he gets a little weepy, pulls at your heartstrings, and cements his ability to continue living there and having you as plan B.

Originally Posted by MistySea

This morning, he is back to being distant and cold. And in one interaction we just had, pretty upset.

We are in the house together - how do I effectively DB ?
Right now, little communication - answer his questions with 1 or 2 sentences. Try not to engage. My mind is so muddled out of stress that all I can keep in my head as one rule is SAY NOTHING.


This is exactly how you should be interacting with him. Be friendly and upbeat, but let him initiate conversation. Avoid R talks but if he corners you in one you listen and validate. Try to be the one to end the conversations. Message about excuse (remember you are busy!).

Originally Posted by MistySea


Would really appreciate input on next smart DB steps in this situation.


Focus on you. Keep GAL (being busy). Keep working on 180s (self improvement). And keep working on detachment. Get to a place where his actions and words have no impact on you.

Oh, I'd stop MC, stat. Never go to MC with a WAS in an active PA.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018