I think denial is a big part of it. But the sooner the A is discovered, and the WAS is confronted, the more likely you are to move to R.
Steve - As always you are on point with your advice. I was in denial and am not any longer. There is an A. Can you please tell me what / how is the best way to confront a WAS on this? I know this may be completely evident to everyone but I do not know if this should be a discussion of: "your out" or "you can not live here and do that" or "its either me or her" - do ultimatums even work for WAS? I guess I need to know the framework of this confrontation is for the sole reason of kicking him out of the house?
Also, any ideas on how the WAS will respond? So that I can be prepared for that.
Thank you for everyone's input. (as an aside, if you read pp, I will try to man-up and not get too sensitive, I realize its all coming from a good place, and I am beyond appreciative. I legit do want advice from those that have walked this path before.)
I am a confronter by nature. However, I since learned from this forum the right way to do it. I think I handled confronting her okay, but I could have done a lot better.
So here is my advice. When you are ready to confront it you say as little as possible:
"I know what is going on. I know what you are doing. And with whom.'
Then stop. He will deny, deflect, get angry, plead for more info, etc. Here is the thing. Never tell him what you know, or how you know. Leave at the fact that you know.
The mistake most make is to tell what and how. All this does, unless the WAS is ready to walk right then, is to cause the WAS to go deep undercover with their affair. If you say "I saw the text messages on your phone", guess what? His phone will go on lock down like never before. If you tell them what you know, they will gaslight you.
So leave it at "I know" and no more.
No ultimatums do not work. Either they will agree and then sneak around (remember you are dealing with a lying cheater here), or they will just blatantly break it and see if you follow through. So never give an ultimatum UNLESS you are willing to follow through on the promise made with the ultimatum.
A follow-up question to this line of questioning is usually "how will I know when the A is over and he really wants to come back?"
The answer is: you will know without any doubt when he is serious about returning to the MR. On the A being over, when his behavior is consistent over a long period of time, then you can be sure it is over. Do not trust words.
M(52), W(53),D(17) M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018