Scout - it sounds to me like you made plenty of good faith efforts to remedy the problem while your H made little or no effort. It’s not surprising that his lack of support and affection worsened your postpartum depression and dampened your desire for him.
This situation revealed your H’s basic narcissism - a trait that was always there but may not have been visible to you so long as he was getting his narcissistic supply from you.
He brought me flowers and bath bombs, wrote cards on my birthday, booked me massages, took me on date nights. Those gestures were lovely and thoughtful. But I am not the same woman that he pursued and wooed pre-baby. He wouldn't, couldn't, DIDN'T see what I actually needed as a new mother. What I told him outright many times.
- Uninterrupted sleep - Time alone without the baby - Shared mental load - Appreciation for my efforts as a SAHM - Contribution to a clean house - Intimacy without the expectation of sex
And most importantly, for him to choose me and our son over work, friends and hobbies. Subconsciously, I knew we never came first in his list of priorities unless his sense of duty compelled him. I wanted him to CHOOSE us.
He was never the type of father to rush home to see the baby. As a rule, he would come home late, tickle S2 under the chin, then disappear into the nearest screen device for the rest of the night.
When I returned to work after 11 months maternity leave, I asked H to meet me on the train platform after work with S2 so I could step off the train into my family's arms. Three days in a row I asked him to please do this one thing for me because it was really important. Sentimental and silly, but important to me. I had never been away from my baby in his short life, and I missed him like crazy. Three days in a row, he let me down with some excuse. He was running late. It was too much effort to get S2 out of his car seat. He forgot what time the train arrived.
The reality? He just did not care.
W32 X30 S2
June 2019 | Runaway husband May 2020 | Legal separation Xmas 2020 | Divorce hearing