Originally Posted by wooba
I donít know about other women, but I remember for awhile I was really having conflicting feelings about my body after becoming a mom. Forgive me for being forward here- my nipples- are they for pleasure or for breastfeeding?? I felt like a cow constantly breastfeeding my baby but I somehow needed to figure out how to switch to ďsexy wifeĒ mode after the baby is full? How are we supposed to know this stuff??

If you haven't read Mating in Captivity I highly recommend it. it really made me feel so much better about all of these feelings. And in fact probably pre-birth control, it was necessary for women to NOT feel very much like having sex because otherwise you'd just have kids on top of kids before your body was ready. So maybe it is partially protective from an evolutionary standpoint. But she also talks about the sense of being a mom being totally at odds with having desire. And that desire requires some level of selfishness, of wanting just for you, that I think is hard for a lot of moms to do. We are so used to doing everything for everyone else that it is hard, sometimes, to take something just for yourself. It feels a little wrong. And yet for me, being able to once again do things just for myself (not even in the sexual arena... I mean even making time to work out or to get a haircut or anything else that isn't absolutely necessary and is just for ME) has been enormously important in so many ways. For me, also, I spent all day long with people wanting things from me at work and then the kids wanting things from me at home, and being constantly TOUCHED *all* the time and pawed by the children, the honest last thing I wanted at the end of the day was for anyone to touch me or want anything from me. I just wanted to be. And on top of the mom part, we as women have been told over and over sexuality is bad, be a good girl and keep those legs together... until we get M and then we are supposed to be sexy and uninhibited and O just like in the porns. HA. It is all BS and none of us should feel badly if we fell victim to this load of BS we've been sold.

Originally Posted by wooba
I think the key is to figure out WHY- why didnít I want to have sex with this man? What is missing for me? Basically shifting the focus to myself instead of him.

Completely agree... and how to cultivate desire in yourself and how to have him help set the contexts where you are able to relax and feel sexy and desirable and interested in sex. Assuming we stay together, my H will have a lot to learn in this area and I'm determined that we will work on it and talk about it. I'm not going to compromise on this one again. Feeling desire and desirable is empowering and fulfilling and I want to keep these feelings in my life going forward.

Anyway... sorry to hijack, I feel very strongly about all of this. And Scout, I agree with kml's assessment-- seeing how much you did, in such a difficult situation with PPD especially... he could have stepped up and helped you through this. His response does say a lot about who he is and nothing about who you are.


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2