Hi Scout,

I know we've been talking about this all over today. I wanted to say on your thread a couple of things. First:

Originally Posted by scout12
Submitting to unwanted sex in order to please him never felt right, but maybe I should have done that to keep him happy.

No. No, no, no. Please never ever think this. I remember reading in the thick of the SSM that the basic recommendation was fake it til you make it, and I never did that... I sometimes wonder if I had if we would be where we are now, but in that case, for *me* I probably would still be low desire and would never have had the impetus to really change how I perceive myself... which would be a far-from-optimal solution for me, even if my H was happier and maybe didn't end up being unfaithful if there wasn't an SSM. Also, you can't change the past, so no use beating yourself up about it. You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time.

You did *far* more to try to boost your sex life back up than I did-- really impressive, actually. I went to the doctor (was told it was totally normal, not to worry about it), read some magazine/internet articles (fake it til you make it), and talked to my friends, kind of, about it (who were all also not having sex with their husbands either). That was it. And it went on for literally years. The last 5 years we probably had sex once a month or less (by the end maybe once every other month) and I dreaded it. So your husband was on easy street compared to mine! wink

I know you mentioned the Emily Nagowski book on Alison's thread, and I highly, highly recommend it. The other two I read were Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity and Laurie Watson's Wanting Sex Again. I would rank them in that order (Nagowski, Perel, and Watson).

Anyway, I hope you don't feel guilt around being low desire. One of the biggest things I have taken away from these books and more research about it is that I am totally normal and so are you. There is nothing wrong with you. And (the Nagowski book is particularly good at this) once you understand how desire works for YOU, you can nurture it.


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2