No one is ever wrong for staying and being part of the redemption of another human being.
Joe, keep moving forward. Keep discussing the feelings openly and honestly with each other. The triggers are horrible and take time to go away, but rarely completely. It just stops having control over you like it does now. She needs to be aware of the triggers and sympathetic to them. Brutal honesty has got to become the norm for you guys moving forward. You guys need to be safe places for each other to share and lay it all out there. Of course she has made peace with it all. The Betrayer always is relieved when the course truth is finally out there. Then the sense is “I feel great, so much better, why aren’t you over it yet?” Continuing to examine the fine particles of truth is where the real work begins. You guys should set aside a small amount of time every day, say 20-30 minutes, where you guys come together and discuss the affair and the trauma. She should be willing to answer any questions about it you may have (With-in some reason). She is going to have to work hard at the willingness to calming and lovingly share. It’s paramount to the healing process. No marathon sessions. 20 minutes. If you find yourself flooding, stop and continue tomorrow. You should find that eventually you wont need this anymore and it will start to decrease to once a week, then once a month, etc. Again, you must be safe spaces for each other. When she shares information, you can’t attack or she’ll never feel like she can open up again. Just thank her for sharing.
The being “In Love” with OM is common among wayward wives. New relationships release strong chemicals in our brains. Dopamine, Noradrenaline, among others that fool us into thinking we’re “in love”. Add that to a mess of bad choices and it can make one feel like this has to be the “right choice, I certainly can’t turn back now.” Once the Limerence wears off and the chemicals return to normal, reality begins to set in and hopefully we see the relationship for what it was, a distraction from the problems in our own lives and a attempt to self medicate.
I'm not completely caught up on your situation but I cannot stress enough that counseling for both you guys has got to be in the mix as well. You have to get to the root cause of her infidelity and address her brokenness as well or it is possible for it to happen again.
I made many mistakes in my reconciliation and it almost cost my marriage a second time.
Don’t force anything. Wherever you are at emotionally at any given moment, just be there. Set aside time for yourself daily to grieve, if that will help. Your old marriage is dead and gone. Things were taken from you. It’s ok to grieve that. You made it this far, however this is where the real work begins, but it is also a true demonstration of what real love is about. Extend as much grace as you can, then extend more. Set expectations and boundaries. You got this.
Last edited by Jefe; 02/26/2007:15 AM.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3