Sorry if my response was a little curt. Iíve been in a mental tailspin trying to stay on top of the legal stuff this past week. The lateness is a small issue, but in a sense, itís a microcosm of the bigger picture. Iíll try to explain.

Why does it bother me? Because he just assumes that Iíll bend my schedule around his. Why does that bother me? Because it shows he still feels entitled to favours from me. Why does that bother me? Because I do feel an immediate discomfort in not accommodating him. Why do I feel that way? Because I donít feel comfortable saying no. Why not? Because I tie peopleís approval of me to my self-worth. Why? Because my husband made me feel unreasonable for having any expectations of him. Because my pain was mocked and dismissed by my swimming coach when I was a teen. Because my father was emotionally unavailable and physically distant when I was a child. It boils down to a terrible fear of asserting my needs and sharing my emotions.

The legal stuff feels overwhelming right now. As much as I try to remind myself this is a process, and to only deal with the issue in front of me at any moment, my emotions are preventing me from seeing the forest for the trees.

There have been emails back and forth with my L to draft a letter which restates my parenting plan proposal. I keep trying to downplay and placate STBXH with the wording of the letter, and I think my L is getting annoyed with me requesting changes. Probably not true, but I feel so shattered and raw that my thinking immediately assumes the worst. Iím so terrified of a custody battle that I feel like I have to play nice to stop him from retaliating if he senses he is going to lose.

STBXH responded to my L himself. So either he doesnít have his own L as suspected, or he is getting legal advice but choosing to communicate himself. He informed my L that I am still a joint name on his car loan. He had told me months ago that this loan had been refinanced to remove my name. He has requested a 12 month timeframe to refinance with a clause that I am indemnified in the meantimeís first he defaults. My L wants to respond with a reduced timeframe of 14 days. Again, Iím afraid of retaliation if I assert myself.

I just feel like a snail without a shell right now.


June 2019 | Runaway husband
May 2020 | Legal separation
Xmas 2020 | Divorce hearing