Itís been a while since Iíve felt sad, but I do today.

S2 has been with his dad since yesterday afternoon and is due back this afternoon. Itís only the second overnight heís been away from home, and I miss him.

I seized the opportunity to meet the nice single dad last night. We met in the city, walked around for a bit, had dinner, and saw a movie. It was great. But the silliest thing - he smelled wrong. Not bad, just wrong. Different to STBXH. We both chose perfumes for each other years ago and never changed them in all this time. We both still wear the same fragrances. I really loved his scent.

So I drove home with tears in my eyes feeling an intense aching nostalgia for my old life. Although I have no interest in reconciliation, I do miss the good parts of my marriage. I miss his hugs and his scent. I miss how easily we got along. I miss the attraction. If our relationship could have coasted along on the superficial aspects, we probably could have stayed married forever. But thatís not how relationships work. And itís not the kind of relationship I will accept.

Iím also sorrowful over the custody situation. To forever lose time with my only child due to his fatherís decision to betray, abandon, and deceive me is a bitter pill to swallow. Itís the worst injustice of this whole mess. That a man who demonstrates over and over how little he values family can force the unnatural separation of mother and child is galling.

The law says the child has the right to a relationship with both parents, and I accept that. But what kind of positive influence can this man have on his child when he continues to lie, threaten, intimidate, accuse, and harass the childís mother? Not to mention the other poor qualities of character he continues to demonstrate.

I would feel better about things if shared parenting could be respectful and honest, with both parents acting in the best interest of the child. But he canít, or wonít. His sense of entitlement prevents it. His latest email is an example of this. The custody arrangement he demanded is all about his rights, his feelings, his convenience.

Whatís done is done. He made his choices, he has the new life he wanted. Iíve let him go entirely in every possible way. The continued attempts to bring me down are cruel and unnecessary. I just want to pour my love and energy into my life with S2.

Iíll just allow myself to be sad until S2 gets home. One of my best friends must have sensed I needed help because he offered to bring Thai food around for dinner for us. So thatís nice.


June 2019 | Runaway husband
May 2020 | Legal separation
Xmas 2020 | Divorce hearing