I need to get these thoughts out of my head so I can challenge them and people here can help me.

Truth - he IS suffering. Sadly hes also inflicting his suffering on his family as well, but trust me: if you had the choice to be you or him in this scenario, youre much better off being you.

In real life no one thinks he's happy. That he's just distracting with booze, women, work (2 jobs), etc. of course my brain tells me a different story as you know. I'll read things like divorce costs so much because its worth it. No regrets. Sure my kids no longer speak to me but I just couldn't live with him/her another minute. I'm much happier now with a my new wife/husband.

Dont buy into the gaslighting. Even if you were the perfect wife, hed find something to use as an excuse. One woman in her was 58 and like 130 lbs - her H told her she was too fat! My ex told me I walked too heavy - and worse than that, had taught our daughter to walk too heavy! (No, I dont have a weird gait),

I'm mentally ill and that is what he threw in my face. After 30 years he said he'd had enough. Said I made him shell of a man. There is enough truth in this to crush me.

The only thing that makes me feel better (and yes I know this is bad) is that without soul searching and time alone he will find another one just like me. S19 who is big into psychology said the same thing (on his own I never said anything). My IC says he needs a victim to feel better about himself and the next one will be worse than me.

And if hes doing things with her that he never did with you, well, isnt she going to be surprised when he stops wanting to do them? Because if he actually liked doing those things hed have done them a long time ago.

I wrack my brain wondering when exactly did he stop wanting to do did he things? Did I do this to him like he said? D14 says talking to him is like talking to a brick wall (true). She says he drags her to the store every week and all he wants to talk about is his work. When S19 is there all they talk about is cars. S19 talks to me about many subjects. H once could stay up all night talking but it ended and now I'm questioning my sanity (gaslighting) and memories.

I know youve got a lot of responsibility in your shoulders - but this is also your time to find YOU. The you who is brave, creative, capable of great friendships and great love. Make a vision board and dream some dreams.

My changes are slow, very slow but I am getting better. I spent all weekend with D14 (this is the kid I struggled the most with). She's chatty, texting, calling, happy, nothing like our relationship before. I forced myself to get up last night and pick up the house. I've cooked almost every night. Last week I took D14/D17 to the doctor (AD's and strep). I got all their eye exams done, contacts ordered. I am on top of all the girly things for D14's upcoming dance. My bills are paid, taxes done.

I have dreams but that is for another post......need help with those too.