Originally Posted by OS2

I agree, she can't come back until she proves she isn't in contact any longer with OM, end of. And AnotherStander - I know I don't know anything. There could be anything else going on for all I know. And she is still reluctant to end comm which is not a good sign but she knows what the score is regarding any R.

Good, I'm glad you're keeping things in perspective!

W's done a terrible thing and I'm not over it. And it'll take considerable time before we can get past it.

Very sorry you're going through this. What a gut punch that must have been! Was there any remorse from her over this, or was it more like "I just wanted to disclose all this so I can go ahead and move back in." It should be the former, but sounds like the latter.

Wouldn't this be starting again with the wrong intentions? Treat her as a kid and ground her? She has destroyed my trust but I don't want a marriage where I have to do all that, and don't want a W who isn't going to cheat again *just* because she doesn't want to get caught.

That is an understandable reaction, and one we've heard many times before. But here's the thing- she completely destroyed your trust and she has to be COMPLETELY transparent to earn it back. As Jac said this isn't about you checking all her accounts every hour, it's her making a good faith gesture that she will be open with you and allow you to check for your own peace of mind. It is the least she can do. Believe me, if a cheater is truly remorseful they will gladly allow the LBS access to everything to earn their trust back.

By the way, my XW came to me after we had been married about 5 years and disclosed she had racked up 2k in credit card debt. She knew how much I hated CC debt and avoided it like the plague, so she was really guilt-ridden about it. She offered to funnel all purchases through me and have me "police" her to show how remorseful she was. I told her that no, I didn't want to be her parent, and I trusted her to follow the right path. We worked together to pay the debt off and went on from there. Almost immediately she started accruing debt again and did not say one word about it. It went on another 8 or 9 years and was around 15k by the time I found out. Here's the moral to the story- you simply cannot just sweep it all under the rug and tell her you trust her to change, because she won't. There MUST be accountability from now on.

Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56