Thank you all for the comments. I really appreciate extra perspectives.
Originally Posted by LH19
Inviting her back home would be like inviting a heroine addict into your house. She said she left because she wasn't happy. What makes you think she'll be happy now?

I agree, she can't come back until she proves she isn't in contact any longer with OM, end of. And AnotherStander - I know I don't know anything. There could be anything else going on for all I know. And she is still reluctant to end comm which is not a good sign but she knows what the score is regarding any R.

W's done a terrible thing and I'm not over it. And it'll take considerable time before we can get past it. And it's been a matter of weeks since I found out (and the extent of the details), I couldn't possibly be over it and ready to carry on as normal. I don't yet know if I will be able to entirely forgive her. It doesn't excuse her actions AT ALL, but I do know we both stopped trying at our M. If/when we get to a position where we can R I do think the M (in isolation of the A) could be better and stronger as a result of this wake up call for both.

Originally Posted by IHCLACS
You want 24/7 access to her phone on demand, her computer, her phone records, no girls night out. Updates on her whereabouts.... Access to phone records, records of all comms apps.

Wouldn't this be starting again with the wrong intentions? Treat her as a kid and ground her? She has destroyed my trust but I don't want a marriage where I have to do all that, and don't want a W who isn't going to cheat again *just* because she doesn't want to get caught. I want a W that isn't going to cheat again because she doesn't want to (and doesn't want to lose me which she would). Steve85 said it above ^^ and I think I agree with his approach. It doesn't show much confidence in yourself to be checking up like that. I'm a hell of a catch and if she did anything like this again I would not be trying to make it work again (particularly if we were in a better place).

Originally Posted by IHCLACS
People show remorse through their actions when They truly mean it. Not their words. Even then. They have to earn you back.

Thanks, agreed.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
That is unacceptable. This conversation should not even be taking place until she has been out of contact with OM for months. Basically she's using OM for leverage to get what she wants from you. "Let me back and maybe I'll end contact with him."

Yes, I take this comment to heart. I won't be leveraged like that. Months seems a long time.