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How does she even know that? Were the two of you not having sex? Or did she just think -maybe- it might be his? I can't believe you would still be considering letting her back home after a revelation like this, I mean that is like standing at ground zero for an atomic bomb drop! Don't let her come back right now. Tell her you need time to consider this news and what it means, and tell her that SHE needs COUNSELING!!! Here are the steps you should be thinking about for recon:
1. W expresses interest in recon. 2. W agrees to break all contact with OM, does it in a way that you can see/ hear that she did in fact do it. 3. W gives you all her passwords for her phone, social media accounts and email so that you have full access to confirm she sticks to her promise. 4. W organizes IC for herself and religiously attends. 5. W organizes MC for both of you to help you sort out how to proceed from here. 6. The two of you work out terms for her moving back in.
So far you only have 1, and now you want to jump straight to 6! Please do not do this, it won't work. She will think you are a sucker for taking her back so easily and she will continue to disrespect you.
She still has OM on messaging but said now I know she will finally end all contact.
That is unacceptable. This conversation should not even be taking place until she has been out of contact with OM for months. Basically she's using OM for leverage to get what she wants from you. "Let me back and maybe I'll end contact with him."
Calmly made it clear how unimpressed I was with that and told her there is no chance of a R without ending all contact.
Well thank goodness for that!
She commented how she is back to being the chaser and I’m out with a social life while she’s moping at home.
She expects you to pursue her when she's a lying cheater who had an abortion that she thinks was OM's? Kudos to you for still wanting to save your M but please wake up to what you're dealing with here.
W’s behaviour has changed - she’s chasing now, inviting me out/over and messaging a lot, says she misses me all the time and wants to come home.
Let her come home and you lose all leverage to make her do all the hard work she needs to do (steps 2-5 above). So far she's done nothing, no work on herself at all.
I know now she wants me back. She hasn’t yet formally ended the communication channel with OM
Then you don't know sh** my friend. Sorry to be blunt, but I think you need that right now. She is manipulating you to get what she wants (move home). She needs to change her ways before you should consider reconciling, and that will take a lot of hard work on herself.
Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26 Current R: 4 years Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56