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You're right, telling her to stop contacting OM and then demanding evidence is controlling. If you have had issues with that then continuing to demonstrate controlling behavior can definitely confirm in her mind that he did the right thing. You have to go the exact opposite and just not give a crap. It is hard, but it is the only way you will show her you have changed.
In my first sitch in 2005, I had suspicions of my W's EA. I installed spy software on our PC and sure enough she was spending most of the day, and a lot of the nights when she was in our home office "working", IMing her EAP. He was on the hard press trying to get her to meet him. (Just thinking about it again boils my blood!) After I confronted her she immediately said she wanted to save the marriage, sent him a no contact email, life went on. She went through withdrawals really badly (this is a big sign you can look for, if your W really does end it with OM she will go through mourning withdrawals). About 6 weeks in the spy software caught an email to her girlfriends saying how much she missed him, and thought about him and was tempted to email him. That she felt like a caged animal. Then the next day it caught a very short email exchange between her and OM. And another email to her girlfriends saying she had contacted him and didn't care if I say it on the spyware.
That night I went home, uninstalled the spyware, told her she was free to do whatever she wanted and that I would do what I needed to do based on her decisions. The very next day I got home from work and she met me at the door and planted the most passionate kiss we had shared in years on me. The next morning she initiated sex. And from that moment on she was all in on the marriage again, her actions backed that up. Until our new sitch 2 years ago.
The point is that the old adage: "let them go and if it is meant to be they will come back". You are holding onto her so tight right now that she doesn't feel like she can comeback or the grip will tighten. Let her go. Start showing her that not only don't you care anymore, but that YOU are moving on without her, and you might just save your marriage. Holding on tight won't do it!
M(51), W(52),D(16) M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018