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Curious about the proof concept with texting. W was always on her phone with friends and of course OM. Is there a point where itís right to ask for proof of no contact or should I rely on knowing she wants to be with me through her actions? It seems counter intuitive to not care but I absolutely understand the logic and display of confidence behind it.
I will repeat my answer from above to this:
Originally Posted by Steve85
The time for full transparency on her part will come when she has come back AND been consistent in her actions and behavior for a time. Before that you run the risk of her going wayward on you again. TRUST me on that count. I lived it.
I will also add to that, if she is truly sorry for her actions than likely full transparency will be her idea! Because she will want to prove to you that she is no longer seeing OM. That she is committed to your marriage. That she is all in.
Originally Posted by OS2
I find detachment works so well in attracting attention like the dance thatís often described. I donít know whether I should be staying detached though or taking just some of the attention for meet-ups. I sometimes feel that our M (because weíre married just a short amount of time and in 30s) isnít appropriate for some of the severity of some of the DB rules which may include bad breakups, very wayward spouses, abusive, and repeat behaviour. I know that probably sounds naive because Iíve got a W who cheated but there is still a lot of love between us no matter whatís happened. And Iím confident in my ability to get her back. She was always the chaser and I got complacent (not justification for her actions but background).
All of us struggle with the idea that detachment can work. All of our instincts are that we should be pressuring. Pursuing. Going after our WAS like crazy. But that is what everyone does, and it results in a very low percentage of marriages saved.
Detachment is counter-intuitive....and that is why it works better. She expects you to jump at every breadcrumb she throws your direction. One of the biggest mistakes LBSs make is to get some breadcrumbs and to drop DBing, go back to pressuring and pursuing. That pushes the walkaway spouse right back to running away.
Like I said, when she is serious she is ready to come back, you will now. It will not be ambiguous. You won't have to guess. You will know with no doubt.
M(51), W(52),D(17) M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018