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Should I be asking her for proof of no numbers or contact with him on her phone? Do you think she is directing attention away from him by concentrating conversation on our marriage and saying he's disposable?
Do I make demands on seeing her phone and proving there is no contact etc ongoing? Should I detach and then ask for that when she makes contact?
IN the order you asked:
Absolutely NO! I don't know. Absolutely NO! Yes you should detach, NO don't ask for that when she makes contact!
Where is your DBing? Where is your GAL? How are you 180ing and improving yourself? Where is your work on detaching? I none of that in anything you are doing. The woman left you. Went to stay somewhere else. Started an A, and as soon as she gives lip service to "I am sorry. I hate myself. I will go to his place and tell him it is over, for an hour, but then I agree to your demand to no contact with him!" you are running over there to stay with her. Sorry OS2, that is not DBing.
If you read the experts on the best way to attract her back, it is the EXACT opposite of what you are doing. MWD is one of many, and trust me I've read a ton of the experts' advice, that advocates the approach of backing off. Giving time and space.
The time for full transparency on her part will come when she has come back AND been consistent in her actions and behavior for a time. Before that you run the risk of her going wayward on you again. TRUST me on that count. I lived it.
GAL. Focus on yourself and your 180s. Work on detachment. Become the spouse only a fool would leave, but leave her alone to figure out her own stuff!!
M(51), W(52),D(16) M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018