Hey DS,

No pushback, just silence. No response to my solicitor as yet regarding the consent orders and no response to my email regarding his request to change the parenting plan. I'm resigned to whatever response eventually comes. Expecting the worst and will just deal with it.

I have been unwell since the conversation with H last weekend and I believe it is psychosomatic; a physical release of the toxicity I had been holding inside. Only today am I feeling brighter and healthier after a long week of days and nights spent on the toilet.

Without anger and adrenaline pushing me forward, I pretty much crashed physically. 10-12 hour sleeps every night after weeks of insomnia.

I'm not standing for my marriage. I have shut the door and padlocked it and thrown it away. This doesn't give me any satisfaction. In fact, it makes me feel sad all over again. But the marriage that I want and deserve just isn't possible with H. It has nothing to do with his choices, actions, mistakes etc, but his character. There are fundamental differences in our values and beliefs that can't ever be reconciled.

If H displayed any acknowledgement, introspection, ownership, acceptance, regret, remorse, or basic human decency for his choices - as I have shown him in spades over the past seven months to atone for my marital 'sins' - then I might have kept the key in my pocket instead of throwing it away. Gerda was absolutely right in saying it is pointless to try and dialogue with him. Not because he is in a fog, or hurting, or confused, but because THIS IS WHO HE IS at his core, and he has shown no willingness to examine HIS contribution to the marriage failure.

I know many of you were married for much longer than I was before your spouses cheated and left you. I assume (I hope) you had long and happy marriages before they turned around and stabbed you in the heart. I only knew H for 10 years, together 8, married 3. In that time, he never performed the emotional labour required to maintain a relationship. Our over-functioning (me)/under-functioning (him) dynamic allowed him to coast along on the back of my efforts in every area of our shared life. It was toxic and harmful to both of us, and built resentment on both sides.

The truth is, I was probably more unhappy in the marriage than he was. He wasn’t a helpful or proactive parent, he was simultaneously reckless and controlling with finances, he refused to communicate constructively, he had to be dragged off his computer to spend time with me, he made it clear that home life was of secondary importance to work life, he was confused and repulsed by my frantic postnatal helplessness. It has become clear to me that I have never been his #1 priority at any point in our relationship.

How did I handle this? I asked for marriage counselling. I went to individual counselling because the frustration, anxiety, and helplessness I felt at being abandoned within my marriage must be my fault and my problem. I planned family outings for us to make memories and share the load. I made opportunities for H and S1 to spend time together alone. I shouldered the bulk of the parenting so H could have down time with his friends. I had cookies delivered to his workplace when he had a bad day. I scheduled sex even though I was too exhausted and resentful to desire him.

I dealt with my unhappiness by trying to make the marriage work. I vowed for good or bad and when things felt bad I decided that since we had committed to each other for life, so I'd better find a way to turn things around so that we could both be happy and provide a safe, loving, and stable home for our child. I had empathy for H at first, thinking he was experiencing his own delayed postnatal crisis, depression, work stress, or whatever. My love for him actually grew after BD.

He dealt with his unhappiness by cheating on me. Cheating is abuse, and there I draw the line. I will not teach my son that love is inclusive of betrayal, deception, and abandonment. I would argue that 'love' and 'walking away from your children' are mutually exclusive.

The bulk of our marital problems were caused my decision to marry a man who did not care for the responsibility of being a husband, a father, or part of a family. Because that responsibility impinged his divine right to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.

Lest you think I am bitter (and I have every right to be, btw), let me say that H did not make zero effort. He booked me a massage once a month. Brought me flowers every now and then. Cleaned the house on his day off. I returned every gesture with love and appreciation. He was not and is not a complete @sshole. I think he did love me to the best of his emotional capabilities until he replaced me with OW in his mind, and then in reality. He simply can't give me what I need, and it seems that I can't give him what he needs either.

I hope he finds whatever he's looking for. I even hope OW gives it to him. But I am freeing myself and my son.


W32
X30
S2

June 2019 | Runaway husband
May 2020 | Legal separation
Xmas 2020 | Divorce hearing