Previous Thread From Newcomers:

Unsure what to do, what's next....Part V


I was on the Newcomers forum while my whole situation played out. While the year anniversary of my transition from M to officially D is just a month away, I still find myself coming back to the forums to check-in. It's therapeutic for me, maybe? I don't know for sure. This forum helped me through the worst time of my life and for that, I thank everyone on here from the bottom of my heart.

With that said, life has continued on for me. I've gotten used to my new normal and getting settled in with single-parenthood. As we all know, some days, it is extremely hard. Other days, it's a breeze. I guess that's the case with everything in life, though.

I come to this forum looking for some advice, however. You guessed it, dating advice, haha! That's usually the next chapter after D for most, right? I'll try to give a little background and it might get lengthy but please bare with me.

I mentioned quite a few times in my threads, previously, that I am from a very small town in rural America. That being the case, I sort of figured from the get-go that if I was going to find someone to share my life with, the chances of it being someone local to me would be pretty slim. I did the whole OLD scene, met a couple nice woman. Both very LD. One turned into an actual relationship. She was 6 years older than me. She had been single for quite awhile. Was D and had 1 kid. We had a great relationship. Nothing inherently wrong but things moved very fast. She had been single for so long that she was yearning for that connection and someone to share her life with. Me, similarly, not really because of the length of time, but because I missed what I thought I had had just a short time before that. We did care about each other deeply. But, as time moved forward, the distance dynamic started to take a major toll on me. I was the one doing the majority of the traveling. My work and my personal life suffered because of it. In the beginning I had this picture perfect idea of how it would work out so well. I have my kids 50% of the time and the other 50% of the time gave me the opportunity to travel to see her, etc. What I didn't account for was the 'me' time I was missing out on, the fact that work had gotten much more busier than I had been accustom to before and just the simple travel snafus and issues that come with airline travel and all of that. So, after about 6 months I told her we needed to take a break. I used the travel and long distance as the main reasons for the break but also I was finding myself getting a little uncomfortable with the speed at which our relationship was progressing. After all, it hadn't even been a year since my D was final and she was wanting to talk about M and her moving to where I live, etc. All good things, just not at the speed at which it was progressing. I did confide to her that all of that played a part but that it was mostly the travel and LD aspects. We always had an open and honest communication which was such a blessing and relief.

Shortly after things sort of ended with her, a local girl expressed interest in me. I'll will note, when I finally accepted the fact that I was getting a D I did try to suppress all that pain and sadness with trying to focus on positives. The whole situation had been sucking the life out of me for so long, I needed to focus my attention on something else. That, for me, was the prospect of finding someone new. Right, wrong or indifferent, that's the positive I took away. We are all in survival mode during those horrific times and we all do anything we can to get by. When I was thinking about who could possibly be out there for me, she was the only one I could think of that I might be interested in, locally. I say this to show there was some "history" there and it wasn't me just jumping from one R to another even though that's kind of what happened! While I should have taken that time to re-center myself and all of that, those feelings and curiosities from before surfaced and I didn't want to miss out on an opportunity. This door opened, so I chose to walk through.

When we started talking, I told myself I need to focus on making sure things didn't move quickly. I thought it was imperative that we take things slow. Well, so much for that. I hate to even say this and I honestly don't mean to sound egotistical or that I'm tooting my own horn because that's not my intentions..... but it's been a common thread throughout my life that girls fall in love with me pretty quickly. While it's great on one hand, it's pretty much [censored] on the other because they end up getting hurt in the end. I've only saved myself one time from not hurting someone and that was my exW and look how that turned out!

Now, here is where I need some advice....early on she asked me if I was open to having more kids. Which was an important topic to bring up early on since neither of us wanted to waste the others' time if our wants and desires didn't match up. At that time, I told her I was open to more because I honestly believe I was. Even before BD and D, if my exW came to me about having more kids, I think I would have been open to it. I only have one sister so having a big family has always been something I was excited about. However, as time has moved along and the more and more I truly think about the prospect of more kids, the less inclined I am to wanting more. Diapers, strollers, midnight feedings, day care --- all of that just doesn't sound like things I want to go back and experience again. I've been through all of that 3 times and my kids are now at an age where they are fairly self sufficient, they aren't needing me to entertain them constantly or requiring constant supervision every hour of the day. My youngest (4) will be in school full time in less than a year and so I'm finally getting to that point in my life where I'm not sure I want to go back and do all of that over again. I started to think about the timeline of it all. My youngest would probably be 6, if I were to even have more, at the earliest! That becomes a pretty big age difference and 2 more years of me getting used to having older kids and 2 years further away from all the work and exhaustion newborns and babies come with. She is 8 years younger than me, so she wants kids of her own and I understand that desire 1000% percent. It's important to her as it should be.

Obviously, I need to have this talk with her sooner rather than later. While my mind isn't 100% on the no kids thing, its about 99%. It's just the thought of hurting someone, again, scares the H-Ell out of me. I hate it. And the whole small town where everyone knows everyone dynamics makes it that much worse. I've known her and her family for 30 years. They do business with me. I know, deep down, that my happiness and being true to myself is the utmost importance but I also have always been wired to care too much what people think and worry too much about hurting other people. I wish I didn't, but I do.

I'm stuck and not sure how to proceed with the least amount of collateral damage. She's met my kids and loves them like her own and they adore her. That adds another layer to everything. My family likes her but they have said from the beginning that they don't think she is the "one for me." The small town thing just perpetuates all the crap that comes with this because I'll never be able to avoid her. It isn't like I can just break up with her and we both go our separate ways never to see each other again. 'Out of sight, out of mind' isn't a possibility unfortunately....

Last edited by job; 01/13/20 07:56 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread

M: 34 W:34
D:7 D:6 S:3

M: 9.5 years T: 12

OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18
IHS begins
W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18
W files: 12/21/18
D Final: 2/25/19