Originally Posted by DnJ

I understand you judging H, really I do. However, donít judge someone till youíve walked a mile in their shoes. Imagine just how hurt and frightened he must be; and probably unrealized to himself; to throw away what he did.

Compassion scout. It may not change you path; it will change how you walk it. As Iíve said, everything is first and foremost for your healing and grow, restoring a R is a bonus.

This is making me think a lot. In the months following BD, I truly was able to set aside my own judgement and feelings to give H the breathing room he asked for. I felt an enormous amount of compassion and empathy (driven by guilt that I had hurt him so badly he simply had to leave me). I read articles, books, websites on how to save your marriage, how to get your husband back, how to bust your divorce. I pretzeled,†I validated, I sympathised, I understood. I nearly destroyed myself in the process.

When I discovered the OW, realised who she was, and how long the affair had been going on, I started reading other material. Resources which took a hardline stance on cheating. It became harder for me to excuse his behaviour by viewing it through the lens of MLC. For my own healing, I needed to internalise the fact that H cheated because he felt entitled to do so. Any other excuse fell by the wayside. A person could be in the worst marriage in the world, in the worst state of mind possible, and still not cheat because it would never even be an option. It's a matter of character. He believed he could, so he did. It was not a mistake, it was a choice.

And that's not a person whose values are compatible with mine.

I needed to accept that and get angry in order to have the strength to detach. That was step one. But the anger wouldn't go away. As long as it was bottled up inside, I was incapable of compassion. I was victimised, I was bitter, I was self-pitying. And that was nearly as bad for me as trying to save the marriage. So yesterday's confrontation needed to happen for my sake. For once, I decided to put my needs first instead of tiptoeing around him. And I will never feel guilty about that.

I have acknowledged and apologised for the legitimate concerns that he had with the marriage. I have continued to work on these issues. I have examined his repeated accusations of control in the time since BD, ie. since the marriage ended, and found them pretty spurious. How is it possible for me to be controlling him when I haven't spoken or interacted with him since November? What he perceives as control is actually consequence. He doesn't like playing by the rules of the divorce that he initiated. He doesn't like being held accountable for his choices. Not being allowed in the house is a consequence. Me filing legal paperwork is a consequence. Having to adhere to the visitation schedule is a consequence.

I would have to care about what he does in order to want to control him. And I truly don't.

I think it's very telling that the only emotion I felt after yesterday's conversation was sadness. Once the anger was flushed out, compassion could be felt again. I asked my friend J to come over and debrief with me yesterday. She brought flowers, coffee and pastries and we talked for a long time. She told me about ongoing incidents at work involving H and I just felt sorry for him. She has a meeting scheduled with H's manager this week about the incidents (that have nothing to do with his affair with an employee) and I'm sad to be privy to this trainwreck. I'd rather not know how much he is self-destructing.

Detachment and indifference. Much settles when only one is stirring it up.

Agreed. Now that my blockage has been freed, I can work on achieving this.

Thank you DnJ.

PS. I'm 31 wink H is 29.


June 2019 | Runaway husband
May 2020 | Legal separation
Xmas 2020 | Divorce hearing