Hopefully you will be pleased to hear that I was pretty calm throughout. Lots of truth darts, but delivered with a calm, logical, neutral tone. I made my judgement clear, without being mean or nasty. In my opinion, anyway.
I am glad to hear you were calm. There is a much better chance of him actually listening than if delivered when highly emotional or angry.
You and H married and had a baby. You are navigating this life transition, H is not. He, for reasons probably buried in his childhood, is not coping with the responsibility of a family, a career, growing up, supporting others, etc... you know that adult stuff. He still wants video games, and that carefree existence of yesteryear. He cannot (accuracy: cannot not wonít) see the fulfillment that is possible in this stage of his life. So a new truck, an affair, etc... All of which didnít assuage his insecurity and that hollow emptiness inside him. He needs to grow and learn to see.
You my girl are 29. Much life and experience still to learn. Heck, Iím 52 and have much ahead of me to learn and experience as well. Some of the very first advice was focus on you and S1. Your growth and journey is paramount.
I understand you judging H, really I do. However, donít judge someone till youíve walked a mile in their shoes. Imagine just how hurt and frightened he must be; and probably unrealized to himself; to throw away what he did.
Compassion scout. It may not change you path; it will change how you walk it. As Iíve said, everything is first and foremost for your healing and grow, restoring a R is a bonus.
You and I have much left to experience; probably new relationships are even in our futures. It could even be with our healed spouses, or not. The future is unknown and will reveal itself in time.
In your conversation with H he stated that he didnít cheat. Said it five times.
A hard lesson to grasp is there is no absolute truth. It is very much in the eye of the beholder. H doesnít feel he cheated. In his mind he was on a break, or the marriage was over, or whatever. Justification is powerful stuff. You going toe to toe against his reality just escalates things. No one can force someone to see the ďtruthĒ, they have to get to it on their own. All you can do is guide, and that doesnít come from going toe to toe. Again, this is for you, not so much H.
Validating his point of view costs you nothing. It is not agreeing with his point of view, just acknowledging its validity; and it is valid to him. Validation of someone elseís view point and feelings shows personal growth and can smooth the growing chasm between you and H. He is S1ís Dad, and is probably going to be involved for some time; best to have a less confrontational relationship.
You did fire quite a few truth darts and received a volley back from H. Ensure you exam his darts and work on those that ring true.
Did you see how he withdrew during the conversation? The more you pressed the more he became defensive and protective. He is a hurt person.
I had a conversation with my XW two years ago which really illuminated just how damaged these people are. My XW is pretty far gone. Her dominate 18 year old personality was poking at me and flaunting. I lashed back about her affair, and she instantly become the 14 year old girl - shy, scared, confused. I stopped right away.
I had previously, during other times, continued pressing and she leaves the 14 year old and becomes a girl about 7 years of age. A young girl who can only preform mathematics at a seven year old level. Sees the world as a seven year old. Speaks like a seven year old. The innocence that she spoke with - eerie.
XW is usually the 18 year old rebellious teenager. She is currently fighting with her 17 year old daughter, just like two teens would. She is also a 14 year old and a seven year old. I havenít seen or heard from the 49 year old woman for years now. Four different time periods and lives within one person. Just think of the damage to fracture someone that much.
I, my kids, and my best friend, have seen XW change, instantaneously, in the middle of a sentence and become one of her other selves. Then after a bit go right back to where she left off, in the middle of that sentence. It is so very strange to witness; almost unbelievable really. What can one do but be compassionate, understanding, and forgiving; she is living in her torment, I need not add to it.
Your conversation with H, it is said, and it needed to be. Now, where you go from here is within your control.
Originally Posted by scout12
calm, logical, neutral
Go forward with that.
Perhaps add compassionate.
Originally Posted by scout12
Regarding dust settling - do you mean between H and I? Or just with him?
Both. And a third.
H will most likely be wound up from this. He will takes some time to unwind.
You and H, as you are suspecting may have some further escalation in possible retaliation from H. Calm and logical better serves you.
The third is you. Detachment and indifference. Much settles when only one is stirring it up.
This all takes time. And you have the precious gift of time. Use it well.
Current Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18
Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15 M26 T29 Dec 9/17-Legal Separation Oct 3/18-W Files Apr 6/19-Divorced